Welcome back to Tuff Love, with Rob Kandell. The topic for the show today is the concept of purpose. Purpose is something Rob has been examining on some level his entire life. He grew up normal, and did all the usual paths that you’re ‘supposed to do’ in this life. Then, at the age of 28, his life got etcha-sketched.
Before the age of 28, his purpose was to follow the path laid out to him by society: get a good job, do social security planning, produce grandchildren and pay taxes. There were good times, Rob was very lucky in a lot of ways. However, he realized he was bored. It felt normal to be bored, which is what happens when you’re stuck in the status quo. His purpose was to be a good citizen.
Then he got hooked up with these crazy people that taught orgasm and hooked up with a very powerful woman who had a desire to bring orgasm into the world-wide conversation. As a 33-year old, Rob got turned on by that concept and of having a purpose greater than himself and making money. The diversion from the old path to the new path was very challenging. It was against the grain but it was also very exciting. It was a 10-year journey of totally living on purpose.
That meant that every one of Rob’s personal desires took second place to his purpose.
Rob wants to take full responsibility for his life. Nobody has made him do anything, it’s all been his choice. There’s been a lot of stimuli and people saying ‘this is what you should do’ but when it comes down to it, Rob made the choices.
It’s dumb to let someone else take responsibility for your life. Other people might be assholes, but that doesn’t relieve you of your responsibility!
Every day, Rob woke up, put his personal desires and beliefs into 2nd place, and put his purpose on the top level. It was a fabulous 10 years where he was co-creating something bigger than himself, and he co-created an international company from a concept on a paper napkin. Then at 44 years old, Rob realized it was time to pay attention to his own purpose, desires and wants. It was time for a shift to find himself in relationship to his purpose. He had to find a new way of relating to his life, in combination with purpose and his own selfish desires, and how to entwine them into a healthy, fulfilling life. That’s been the journey for the last 2+ years.
Rob shares his results from this journey in terms of purpose:
- Firstly, anytime Rob doesn’t have something to do bigger than himself, he gets a little depressed. The worst days he’s had in these last 2 years were when he didn’t know where to put his energy.
- A lot of people face this in today’s world. They feel dissatisfaction and an ache because they have a lot of energy and life-force but don’t know where to put it.
- A lot of people are in jobs and relationships and circumstances that they co-created that have them not really living their joy of life. That’s where cancer, lethargy, angst comes in. If that rings true for you, look at where you’re putting your energy.
- Notice if you’re actually putting your energy in the place you want to. Be boldly honest with yourself. If you’re not in the position you truly want to be in, you’ve got to be totally honest with yourself.
- If you’re willing to be that courageous and see that, don’t make any immediate changes. A lot of people leap without figuring out the path or plan. Take the time to figure out the direction you want to go. Rob’s done this for the last 2 years and it keeps changing. Life will keep changing and expanding.
- Rob wanted a place he could help and serve people. He needs to make money and wants material things and all the journeys of life. But underneath that, it’s about living in the feeling of who he is, what he wants to be and serving people.
- The pursuit of purpose is not an easy path. The main reason is because you have to be honest with yourself. Own that you miscued, that your fear led you down that path and you really want to take the other path.
- Living in the pursuit of purpose also means you’ll have to face all the disapproval from today’s society that’s going to be prevalent from you going away from the status quo. It’s a challenge. You have to face the negative feedback you get form people who feel betrayed by your daring to go for what you want.
- It’s okay to make mistakes en route to your purpose. Pursuing your purpose is a very challenging thing to do. You take the first step, but one year in you realize it’s not where you want to go. So you pursue something else for a little bit. That’s getting closer, but it’s not quite it. Step by step, you’re finding your direction to who you are. It’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.
- At the same time as you’re pursuing your purpose, maintain your foundation. Don’t put yourself into extreme debt. Keep that job, or do a different job to keep the foundation taken care of. It’s okay along the path to make those miscues because they’ll help you find your purpose.
- Give yourself the opportunity to expand and grow in the pursuit of your purpose. Be nice to yourself, find yourself and you’ll find there’s a lot of possibility in there.
- Don’t listen to the external world that says, ‘I told you that wasn’t going to make you happy.’ Say ‘fuck you’ to that, because you are having the guts to follow your purpose. Give yourself a break and no matter what the world says to you, be true and honest. Take the risk. Take the chance. In that, find yourself.
Rob coaches Lindsay, who is in a job that isn’t in her purpose but gets caught figuring out what direction she wants to go:
- Lindsay has been honest with herself and explored different programs, but she’s afraid of making mistakes. She’s in debt, and tired of doing those different programs, and impatient to land.
- Rob says, ‘you’re not alone.’ A lot of times in our isolation and not talking about these things, we beat ourselves up. We all make mistakes on the path to pursue our purpose.
- Lindsay wants to source that internal place of forgiveness and knowing it’s okay to mess up it big. She’s facing the disapproval of her parents and society, she’s still carrying that.
- Rob suggests she rewrite her story. Take out the word forgiveness because it means you did something wrong. Rob says, “This is your hero’s journey. Your path has never been done by anyone in the history of mankind. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
- Lindsay can see where she’s not fully in purpose with her vocation yet. She just wants to know what direction she wants, she feels so impatient. She wants to ground the nebulousness into something where she can make money. That’s where she’s been stuck for the last 6 years.
- Making money doesn’t mean success to Lindsay. Getting out of debt does. It’s her Dad’s voice in her head that tells her that. The fear of not getting out of debt is homeless, alone and death. And abandoned.
- Rob explains that this is basically Maslow’s core human needs. Every time that you see the stimuli of debt (credit card statement or mortgage or whatever) it triggers that fear. Welcome to being human!
- This is how most people live. This prevalent fear is what has you put your foot on the break to go further into your purpose.
- Rob does not recommend going further into debt and increasing the stimuli for her own self-flagellation. Her attention on this fear is what keeps her in stasis, and on some level that fear might be becoming comfortable. The first thing Rob would have her do is improve her relationship with that fear.
- The second thing, once you play with this fear, is to get back to your rightness as a human being. Get back to the place where you’ve done this life right.
- The next step is to get a team of people who truly support you and actually let them help you. Most people don’t do this. They think they can do it by themselves, but it’s unlikely to be successful like that in today’s world. The success is in the connections. That could be as simple as an accountability buddy, an agreement with a friend.
- The next step is to boldly go in a direction, regardless of the fear in your head and your ears, for the next step on the path to your purpose. Find your joy. Get back to the fearless joy and rightness inside of you. Find the life, the spark.
- Find your team and keep expanding life in your purpose. It’s really hard to live your life on purpose in solitary. Keep reaching out and looking for people. It’s possible, there are always people out there wanting to be in connection. In this society of isolation, there are ways to feel more in connection with the world.
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