Welcome back to Tuff Love, with your host Rob Kandell. The topic is “One Unit of Fear” and comes from a conversation Rob had with a coaching client who felt overwhelmed by fear. Rob was helping him move through the fear and get back into life, the idea being that you could live ten units of life if you just move through one unit of fear.
There is an excessive amount of fear going on in the world today, post US election. All over the world there is a new level of fear. People are talking about leaving the country now that Trump is President. There’s a lot of future planning and thoughts based on fears.
Rob has some thoughts on this. Firstly, your fear is right. If you’re fearful about something, he isn’t here to say you shouldn’t feel those feelings or to judge you and do anything differently. The ‘just get over it’ isn’t a healthy way to deal with it. Fear has arisen for a reason. There’s a message your body is telling you. There’s something you need to look at if you’re feeling fear. Rob looks at his fear as his body, mind and the world telling him to pay more attention.
The concept of fear stagnates people. Rob sees this a lot in coaching. People get stuck in the fear, don’t know that they’re stuck in the fear, and then don’t move. Guess what happens when you’re stuck in fear and don’t move? The fear increases. It multiplies like rabbits. It then becomes even more insurmountable. If you are able to go through ten units of life, the concept is that if you can migrate through fear your whole life will open up.
Rob’s tips and tricks on how to move past your fear:
- Acknowledge it. Don’t ignore it. If you do not confront your fear and you’re a match to it, it will come back and multiply.
- In the 12-step program, they have an acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real = F.E.A.R. It’s a thing arising inside you and you totally believe it.
- After you have confronted your fear, look at how real the fear is and how true your thoughts are. Sometimes you need help to move past that. It’s hard to see without that mirror so get someone else’s brain to help.
- Fear is a really powerful thing. We often make decisions out of fear. Some schools of thought say we make decisions from either fear or desire, and the gradations in between.
- To Rob, when he’s making decisions out of fear, it’s coming from the unpotentiated part of himself that doesn’t see what is possible in life, the part that’s looking for and creating problems on some level.
- He makes decisions out of fear to look good or avoid punishment.
- When you get the letters from haters, there’s a certain level of fear. Rob doesn’t want haters, he doesn’t want people saying on Facebook that he’s an idiot. The fear of not coming out keeps us stagnant. We’re afraid of the repercussions of being fully who we are in the world.
- Making decisions out of desire could be any number of things: desire for a better body, better relationship, a connection to God, a meditation practice. We have desires in us that want to get bigger and better. That’s the piece about expansion.
- Look at your life right now and look at the decisions you have coming up and see if you’re making the decisions out of fear or desire. Sometimes it’s not easy to see and that’s when you bring in a friend or call your men’s/women’s group, coach, therapist, priest to help you see and be a mirror.
- Look at your motivations underneath the fear. Morgan’s viewpoint is you go back to the childhood wound. Is it a fear coming from something when you were really young? For Rob, he looks at what’s happening in the fear, is it from a recent pain, are you avoiding something?
- Do the digging about your motivations. Often the top-level fear isn’t what’s actually happening underneath. The trick is asking, ‘then what would happen?’ to get to the lower layers.
- More often than not, it’s the fear of being alone, of abandonment, of not being loved and connected in this world, that lives underneath most everything.
- What happens next is sometimes the scariest part of all. When you move through your fear you then have the ability to live life more than you want, which is sometimes the hardest part because we’re so used to living in fear and bondage and keeping ourselves small.
- Unshackling yourself from fear and realizing you can create anything you want is scary because then you have no excuses! We love to live in excuses. Once you move through your fear, and have choice, then you have to take the responsibility of truly living.
- The only thing that’s truly holding you down is our own self-restrictions.
- There is a distinction between caution and fear. Caution is the flip side of fear, it’s when you raise your awareness and don’t dive in blind to things. From there, you can make more mindful steps to move towards your desire.
Rob shares advice for how to help somebody when they’re in fear:
- First, go in with awareness and pay attention to what’s going on for them. More often than not we go in with our self-centered, own viewpoints, but in the end you need to go into their world and see what the motivations are for their fear.
- Don’t bully them out of their fear. They might take a step out of the fear just to please you but step right back into it later. That’s a band-aid on top of the situation.
- Once you fully understand their fear, give them your impressions of the way out. Let go of your viewpoints, let go of what you think they should do, and get into their world.
- Stay with them through their walks of fear. The worst thing you can do is abandon them in the middle of their fear. Walk with them through the process, and if you can’t authentically do that, refer them to a therapist.
Rob coaches JB, who is going through some big life changes and feeling overwhelmed and emotional.
- Rob gives permission to JB to cry and have whatever feelings he’s having. Emotions are right.
- JB normally can handle things one at a time, but in the state he’s in right now he feels he’s moving slower and has 20 things to do at once.
- Rob points out JB is speaking in generalities. When you speak in generalities your brain can’t function. When you speak in more specifics, your brain can function.
- The brain doesn’t know the difference between the success of walking across the street and the success of winning the Nobel Prize. It’s all success to the brain. So if you want to change your state, do one little thing that has you feel successful and it will tell your brain success.
- When you speak in generalities, your brain gets overwhelmed because it feels it can never be successful because it’s too big. Speak in specifics and your brain can feel successful.
- Recently, JB has a voice that makes it hard to do the little steps. He knows intellectually small steps are the way of success, but he can’t motivate himself to do it.
- His relationship with success is that it’s something he avoids, something he thinks he’ll never have, and when he does he doesn’t see it. This is the cornerstone: he doesn’t have much experience being successful, and maybe it’s simply that he doesn’t have the belief in himself that he deserves the success.
- Success to JB means doing exactly what he wants, not giving a fuck what other people think, enjoying what he’s doing, feeling like what he’s doing is meaningful. Those are positive sides.
- The fears about being successful are that it will mean more responsibilities.
- JB feels that either his child or his business are dependent on him. He would like to take time off to be with his kids, but he can’t do it. He feels trapped.
- It’s a myth of being a solo-preneur, “I can make my own schedule” but really it’s a myth.
- JB has fears about his business, about running out of money and feeling too small to make it sustainable and also too big. He has many different directions he needs to go at once. Rob says JB is underleveraged.
- There are 2 things that happen in business consistently. The first is psychology. Tony Robbins says the success of the business is based on the psychology of the owner. The more up-beat and energized you are, the more the business expands, and vice versa. It’s a ration.
- The second thing is leverage. How leveraged is your business. For every unit of energy you put into the business, how leveraged is that.
- JB has no leverage at the moment and his psychology is a bit fucked up. Both these things are really common when you start a new business. Your ability to take the time to figure out how to increase the leverage of your business is paramount to your success.
- Rob highly recommends looking at the internal processes and methodologies to see how he can increase his leverage.
- JB is resisting doing it and won’t face it. It’s non-confrontation. And just like fear, not confronting it makes it grow. Step in and focus an hour a day for the next 2 weeks focusing on how to leverage this, transfer knowledge to a new salesperson.
- Right now the whole time is reactive mode but a portion of the day needs to be spent in proactive planning mode. Proactive and reactive are two different parts of your brain, and it’s hard to switch between the two. So create distinct times to do each different activity.
- Rob suspects this is the core of the overwhelm. And just a little bit of attention will help shift the vibe pretty quickly. Make sure you have set times that you communicate to the clients to be available, set boundaries, communicate ahead of time and set aside time to confront the business.