Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. The topic today is near and dear to Rob, and that is the concept of confronting money. Rob is a first born male, New York Jew which means money is a part of his life and culture. He’s had so many different experiences around this topic of money, and how to confront it, understand it and be aware of it. The main focus of what Rob helps people with is confronting money, which can be daunting for many people. Most people don’t want to confront it, they’re scared of it, they get overwhelmed. They think they can’t handle it or don’t know what to do, which is bullshit. We all have the ability to confront it and understand it and look at it. Turn the fear into power. That’s what the hero’s journey is all about!
Link to Spreadsheet
Rob has some stories to share that are great examples of this concept of confronting money:
- Firstly, last Sunday, Rob was in New York. Morgan and the kids and parents went ice skating, and Rob stayed in the Air BnB with time to kill. He was thinking about his goals and budget for 2017.
- Rob took his spreadsheet and really enhanced it. He created four things on the spreadsheet: debt, expenses, investment income and savings goals. From this spreadsheet, Rob figured out how much he needs to make in his consulting business in 2017: $200,000. It’s a daunting number on some level and on another level it’s not. What happened is the mystery about money was replaced with clarity. His whole body relaxed and he felt calm.
- He has a healthy relationship to money. Most people don’t have a healthy relationship with money. They’re scared to confront it. However, when Rob posted about this on Facebook, 25 people asked for the template. If you want the template, send Rob your gmail based address to Robert@KandellConsulting.com and he will share it
- You need to take that first step. Sit down with a pen and paper, your Excel spreadsheet or Google spreadsheet and take a look at your money. Understand how it works. If you’re worried about money, confront it.
- The second story is that Rob is raising his rates in 2017. His history is that he built a company, but his personal beliefs were different to the company around sales, so he moved away from that world because of disagreements around money. From that he took a bucket load of shame and money stuff into his consulting business.
- Rob is a bad ass coach and consultant. He’s been an entrepreneur for 25 years, has built a 7 figure international company, he knows his stuff. And he was charging the rates of a first or second year coach. They were lower level rates and somehow Rob thought that was noble.
- The reason for the low rates when Rob explored it was to do with lack of self-worth and the lack of belief from the past hurts, and a fear of rejection. So he was diminishing himself. Still had a six figure consulting business in 2016 but was cutting himself off at the knees.
- At the same time, he sees what goes on in the life coaching industry and some of the rates people are charging and the practices around that, so there was a piece of it that was distancing himself from that too.
- So Rob is raising his rates. He’ll still have some lower end and pro-bono options because that’s who he is, as well as Tuff Love and other free materials. However he will cease to lower himself and minimize himself out of a belief system of keeping himself small.
- The third story is about the transition from Rob’s first office to his second. When he first moved to Calabasas to live with Morgan, Rob got a big man-cave office for $1000 per month. It was scrappy and manly. But the lease ended and the place Rob almost leased was another similar acceptable but kind of gross office.
- Rob looked at it through Morgan’s eyes and realized he was diminishing himself by taking man-cave number 2. So they found a beautiful office in the French Quarter, that is $1800 per month. It’s a bad ass place where Rob can seek higher end clients and decorate it and be proud of it. In the process of picking this office, his viewpoint around himself changed.
Rob’s tips and tricks of how to confront Money:
- Track your expenses. Pay attention to where your money goes, because if you want to confront money you’ve got to know how much money is coming in and where the money is going out. You have to confront where you’re spending your money.
- Get one of those little pads of paper that you can stick in your back pocket. And every time you spend money on anything you write it down. There’s probably also a great iPhone or smartphone app that works great for this.
- Do it for a month and you will have a really strong sense of where your money is going. It won’t be a mystery. Rob even makes this into a game! It brings a level of consciousness around money that is important.
- Rob highly recommends the software Quicken 2017. It downloads your transactions, it can track all your different credit card transactions and puts them into buckets. Rob even categorizes them into things like entertainment, meals, fun, etc.
- Build a budget. You can do this out of your experience of knowing your expenses. You can split it up into rent, groceries, gas, car payments, school payments etc. You then have an intelligent awareness around where your money is going. Make a game of it.
- Decide if it’s worth it. You can decide if going to the club and spending $150 on three drinks (exaggerating) is worth it. You can use your numbers to educate this thought.
- Build savings, money you put away for a rainy day, for retirement, for a house project. It’s money that’s out of your normal cash flow.
- Be wise and be careful of your investment of your time and your money. Time and money is really valuable. Not scarce, valuable. So value yourself and make those choices.
- Value yourself. Be willing to say “I’m worth it” because guess what? You are. And if you don’t value yourself, do you expect anyone else to value you? Do you expect your boss or your partner to? Value yourself.
Rob coaches Crystal around this concept of money and relationships:
- Money is in Rob’s life blood as a method of control. It is part of his parental methodology, was to use money to control. Rob’s father’s viewpoint is if you don’t work hard you don’t have value and if you don’t have value then you shouldn’t get paid. His father is afraid that if he gives Rob and Rob’s sister any money, they will slack.
- Rob’s father’s belief is that money can make things lazy. But Rob hasn’t stopped working since he was 15 years old. Rob loves working, and the experience of growth and expansion. However, Morgan does want to slow him down a bit, for the sake of his adrenals.
- How Rob overcome it was he confronted money and confronted that some of the viewpoints he grew up with were not serving him. He doesn’t have to follow.
- Crystal says it about being honest with yourself. The conversation shifts to be about honesty in relationships, and Crystal is wondering how honest to be how early in relationships.
- Rob is a 100% believer in honesty with people he wants to be close to. He lies through his teeth to people he doesn’t want to be close to. So he has to decide who that is, but he is screamingly honest with the people he wants to be close and intimate with.
- Anytime Rob lies and they buy it, they are then relating to the façade of Rob, the mask. In doing so, Rob can’t trust them, because they’re not relating to him, they’re relating to his façade, his lie, that he gave them.
- Rob told Morgan on the first date that he isn’t a monogamous person. It was important to him that she knew who and what she was dealing with, so she could make the choice. Ironically, 6 months later he changed his story and became monogamous to her, but that was authentic too. Honesty is the core essence. And if Rob can’t be honest with you then he’s not going be friends with you.
- In the single life, when you’re dating people, Crystal has been thinking lately about how early honesty should come up. She likes the framework about honesty with the people you want to be really close to. So there’s a dance that goes on, a balance, when you meet someone for the first time to know how honest to be how early.
- Crystal is quite honest and open, and what she’s found is that has been intimidating sometimes. She wants to get to know people deeply quickly.
- In society there’s an overall fear that if I’m too honest, that person will run and there’s a fear of abandonment, there’s scarcity, there’s a of losing something by being honest. But how often does that really happen? In Crystal’s experience, not very often.
- Rob asks Crystal where she isn’t honest in relationships, what about herself she fears is too much or will scare people away. And where isn’t she honest about money?
- For her it comes down to self-worth. She feels she has a healthy relationship with money but there’s a piece around receiving things from partners. She’s never been fully taken care of by someone. She’s always been self-sufficient and on her own. She doesn’t feel like she deserves being taken care of so it’s difficult to receive. Crystal feels like she would have to match it in some way. “If you do this for me I’ve got to do exactly the same thing for you”.
- Crystal’s Dad was not there, her Mom was loving and amazing but a single Mom running her own business, so also not around a lot. Crystal had to grow up at a very young age and take care of herself.
- For Rob, it’s an absolute pleasure to provide for Morgan. For a man, it is so much fun to produce for a woman he loves. And if she said no, then she would be cutting off one of Rob’s most greatest pleasure, in providing for her.
- For Crystal, she finds this comes up around money. With other things it’s not easy, but easier to receive. She fears the endebted-ness, the commerce around a guy’s expectations regarding if he pays for things, what will he expect.We do live in a commerce-based society. Looking at things as a cash only basis isn’t really not seeing the bigger picture.
- It’s a feminine art to be able to receive. For Crystal, there’s a piece there because she’s been so independent for so long. It’s difficult to receive luxuries and relax around it.
- Rob has heard something a lot recently: women say men are more like boys these days, men say women are more like men. It’s the changing dynamic in society. With the rise of the millenials it’s even more like that, there’s a shifting of masculine and feminine. Crystal is also feeling the changing cultural vibe.
- Rob loves that men’s and women’s finances are finally coming somewhat closer, the rise of the feminine and the empowerment that is really happening. But the effect of it is everyone’s lost. Men and women are having more trouble learning to relate because of these changing dynamics. All you can do to in consciousness is to confront it, talk about it and play games around it.
- Your willingness to ask for what you want is the greatest gift you can give to someone who wants to give to you.
- Crystal is quite a headstrong, driven, ambitious woman, so it’s been part of her development to soften to and to understand the part that receives and the feminine arts. It’s only in the last 5 years she’s started to love that softer piece. She knows the solid woman will always be there, but it takes a really strong guy for her to be able to soften into that whole persona.
- Rob recommends Crystal open up to the money piece, letting guys pay, and look at providing out of pleasure, not for commerce. Give because you want to, not because you should.
- Now women are being called to be dynamic, they’re being called to expand. Men are being called to expand to, into being soft and vulnerable and strong. Be the powerhouse for 8-10 hours a day, and then go through some practice to get home and walk into the house soft, and vulnerable. It’s not for them, it’s for you, because you deserve to be taken care of.