Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. This show is about the concept of travelling, change and structure. 2016 was a really rough year for Rob, so 2017 is the year of being authentically who he is, fully. Rob is a pretty authentic guy but he’s learning how much more of him that wants to show up and come out. He doesn’t really know who that person is that wants to evolve. It’s exciting! He’s realized he has been living his entire life in other people’s shadows, and in a place where he didn’t feel comfortable being the front man. But that’s what 2017 is all about—look out world!
Rob hasn’t done much travelling in his life. He spent a month in Israel between high school and college with an Israeli friend, on a Hemmingway kind of trip. They moved from town to town without really a goal, eating good food, chasing women and having an experience of finding themselves in friendship. That was 1988 and Rob hasn’t really done it since then. He planned to go to Europe after college, but it never eventuated and life has been a progression of work- and school-related things ever since. He has done little trips, like 8 days in Barcelona in December 2014.
Rob feels he’s always had a rigid, stubborn way of needing to be in structure, having the next job, creating the next thing. He is uncomfortable with being unstructured, free, not killing it every day. Rob loves structure, he loves his calendar, he loves knowing where he’s going to be. He likes things clean and organized and in tune. He’s not very good at traveling and vacations. He does the same things in other cities that he could in his home town: movie theater, coffee shops, bookstores.
In general, Rob has just avoided living in the unknown. He told himself he just isn’t a traveller, but another part of him has always questioned that feeling. An opportunity came up to go to Costa Rica with Morgan next week when she’s there for her Certification Program with Teale Swan. Rob’s first thoughts were, “what will I do? What about my work, clients, commitments?” but really he was feeling uncomfortable with the unknown.
Morgan got her place in the training, and the plan was to go together, but two weeks ago the organizers said Rob couldn’t stay at the retreat center because it could be a distraction to the energy of those involved in the training. Rob totally understood and doesn’t want to be detrimental to Morgan’s training. He almost decided not to go, but something inside said that this was an opportunity to find out what it’s like to live unstructured.
This show is about Rob’s reflections on the excitement of the uncertainty:
- In January 2015, Rob had a thought of going to live in Bali for a couple of months, challenge himself to move out of the regular status quo. That’s the same feeling he has about this trip: it’s an opportunity to find different parts of himself.
- Rob has from Saturday until Thursday on his own, to find out who he is when life is unstructured.
- In the back of his head, Rob is thinking, “you’ll fucking love this, this is the next thing for you, there will be some part of you that is going to arise.”
- Another part is nervous because Rob knows he’s a control freak. He felt the same before going to burning man in 1998 with his ex-wife. He didn’t want to go, thought it was all for hippies. But he went and fell in love with it and who he was inside that experience.
- Rob has booked a place to stay Saturday and Sunday night, and then has no plans, no hotel booked for the other nights. He has a map, a rental car, a laptop, a knapsack, money and a friend who lives 4 hours from San Hose.
- Rob will wake up in the morning and decide where to go. Do you want to get lost? For Rob to get lost in this world is something so antithetical to who he is. Who is he without work, structure and the innate sense of who he thinks he should be? It will be a grand adventure.
- Are you wondering who you would be in Rob’s shoes? Would you be totally excited? Would you be nervous? Would you be willing to go on this trip and break your own status quo? What would happen if you did? Who would you be not knowing where your next meal is going to come from?
- Rob is on a strict lifestyle diet, no dairy or gluten, limited grains. In a country where beans and rice is the natural thing, who will he be? Who is Rob when he is by himself, on the road, without Morgan by his side? It’s an exciting and scary endeavor.
- There is a piece around this that is about letting go. We live in a world where it’s a really scary thing to do. The core of this experience for Rob is being without structure, letting go and just allowing, surrendering, not creating or forcing.
Rob coaches Rachel about structure. She left her teaching job last year. She’d been in school from the age of 3 until 35. She’s finding out about herself that structure is so important and being out of that she’s having trouble making structure for herself.
- The lack of structure is freeing but also overwhelming, because there are so many options. Who does she want to be?
- She’d like to be a coach and speaker, traveling and having adventures, living an exciting, abundant life.
- Rob thinks that’s a common desire but a very challenging thing to do. The coaching business is hard. Rob’s been doing it for 20 years but there are still times he struggles. The reality is that if you want to be in this business, it isn’t a piece of cake and it’s a difficult profession.
- It’s going okay, not great. She has a few clients, but not enough. The challenge speaks to her in that it’s different and similar to what she does as a teacher. She has a lot of skills but feels like teaching is a fall-back.
- Rob hears that there’s a little bit of shame or guilt for Rachel in having a back up plan. He thinks it’s awesome and suggests looking that as a plus not a detriment. Having a backup plan is good because your system can relax a little bit.
- Rob knows a guy who worked for a tech company and wanted to be a coach, quit his job and lived on his savings trying to build a coaching career. He’s had trouble getting clients and Rob suggested that he keep his day job as a foundation.
- The worst thing you can do as a coach is try to sell from desperation. If you’re using desperation to pay your rent, that’s a really challenging place to be with your clients.
- Rachel wonders how to get past the overwhelm of all the decisions to actually make a decision. The overwhelm comes from the lack of structure and vast amount of choices in her life.
- Rachel wants more structure but it’s hard for her to stick with it. Rob is the same way with exercise. He recommends more inquiry. Ask more questions about it because maybe there’s some sweet spot around structure Rachel hasn’t found yet.
- Rob recommends getting an accountability partner or support network around this. He works out better when he has a personal trainer.
- Having an accountability partner is a powerful thing that most people don’t do. They want to think they can handle it on their own. Just find someone to help you keep your own commitments.
- Rachel has been avoiding figuring things out and setting up goals. Rob recommends setting goals as a way to reverse engineer and set yourself up for what you need to do.
- Get crafty. There are other things you can do to bring in money, e.g. Rob uses Patreon to support the podcast. Learn to leverage to get to the next level.
- Rachel doesn’t lack ideas, it’s getting them into motion. Mitch volunteered to support Rachel with accountability.
- We are brilliant creatures but we’re also unpotentiated. Very few human beings live at their full potential. Tony Robbins, Tim Ferris are two who do.
- We’re unpotentiated because we don’t know how to live in our full potential. We’re learning this new skill. It’s a scary thing to think about who we would have to become to live at our full potential every day. It’s easier to slide through life being semi-successful.
- The fear of success is real. Your ability to stand in the face of fear of your success and move towards it is what will get you potentialized. We’re taught that we’re failures, but that is a choice like every other.
- Rachel wants to set up an online weekly women’s group or event. Rob created Tuff Love because he was sick of enrolling people in courses. He committed to 6 shows, and had 8 – 15 people to show up, and some people downloaded the recordings. Now there are 57 shows, close to 6000 downloads.
- It only happened because Rob committed to the process. Now he gets messages from people he’s never met thanking him for the show.
- Rachel commits to starting next Wednesday at 10am. Since she’s going for an international audience, Rob suggests the 8am, 9am, 10am PST time to get the European time zones too.
- Rob suggests using Zoom and setting it on auto-record. Then you can set a reoccurring Zoom link, publish that on a Facebook event and go from there.
- Rachel’s Facebook page is called LIFE Abundantly (LIFE = Love, integrity, fulfillment and enjoyment) so she’ll continue that theme.
Rob recommends Fiverr for a logo.
We only have one life that we remember, so Rob says, be fully who you are!