Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. The guest today is the amazing Liz Dialto, author, speaker, teacher, mentor, podcaster, and she’s here to talk about courageous communication.
Back in the day, Liz used to sell Cutco Knives, and was brought up in this culture of community, working with people, sales and marketing, lots of sales stuff is rooted in personal development. When she left that industry she became a personal trainer and then a couple of years into that, she started noticing that without fail, any kind of mental, emotional, financial, relationship issue could come up and swiftly wipe out any results people had gotten with their diet and exercise. So she became fascinated with working IN as opposed to just working out, and how the two work together.
Having received a lot of feedback over the years that she was intimidating, too masculine or that she needed to soften, Liz started studying femininity and feminine archetypes. She realized there are many archetypes and she embodies more of a fierce warrior type of energy, and that that was okay. From there it she was interested in how to be a woman in the 21st Century that raises us to be lovelier versions of men. So that’s where it all started. The transition from being a trainer to what Liz’s doing now took a couple of years. She started studying, doing energy work, learning Reiki, personality typography, seeing what works and what didn’t.
Liz and Rob explore the topic of courageous communication.
- Communication is the most important thing, it’s the foundation of everything in life. If you don’t have good communication, first and foremost with yourself, you can’t do anything, you’re stuck in a loop of uncertainty.
- Courageous communication means being willing to say the things you don’t want to say with love and compassion, and being willing to own your side of things.
- People are so afraid to actually do that because they’re afraid of being rejected and cast out, of not belonging.
- They’re afraid of being wrong, but also of being right. They’re afraid of what might happen, who they might lose, speaking up for themselves, and the consequences of owning what’s true for them.
- Fear keeps us in our status quo. There are two roads: fear and desire. People don’t speak the truth out of a fear road instead of a desire road.
- The first step Liz suggests to learn to overcome this fear is to journal out their desires. Most people, when they botch this, it’s because they’re managing the other person’s experience instead of owning that.
- Most people don’t tell themselves the truth. They say they’re okay with things, but meanwhile the little voice inside is suffering. People are willing to take so much less that what they want.
- Liz recommends asking yourself, ‘what is not okay with you about what is going on with this person right now?’
- Liz does this process herself. She shares a time where she had to communicate courageously recently.
- The frustrations and draining energy of having open communication loops, and the benefit of closing the loop so it’s not lingering in your mental and emotional space.
- Men are afraid to tell women when they’re afraid of something, because most men were not taught that they’re allowed to be afraid. Men are afraid to tell women how much they care about anything, or how unsure they are about something, or have a feeling that they don’t know what to do with. It’s hard for men to admit when they don’t know something because they think they’re supposed to be the provider and have all their shit together.
- Men are afraid to tell women anything that they think might make them look weak. Liz can pick up most things and is very intuitive about picking up that sort of thing. Rob’s viewpoint is that women are really good at picking up these subtle cues and it creates disconnection.
- She does believe subconsciously we all can do that, be that intuitive, but don’t all have access to it. Most people are not suspicious for no reason. If you feel like something’s off, there’s probably something off.
- A lot of women are taught along the way that it’s not okay to feel, to interface with their emotions, they’re afraid of what will happen if they open that box. Liz has to teach women all the time that it’s ok to feel. A lot of women are shut down in their childhood.
- Women are afraid to tell men, or divulge anything that makes them appear needy, high maintenance, too emotional. Sometimes women can’t help but feel our feelings but don’t necessarily know how to communicate them or why they’re feeling them.
- Liz recommends women clearly communicating what’s going on with them as women, asking for what they need and want, their desires.
- A lot of women are so identified with being a giver and a nurturer, they think their value comes from being beautiful, doing things for others, taking care of them, so they aren’t allowed to ask for what they want.
- In modern times at least in the Western Countries, women have all the same rights and access to opportunities as men do, so there’s an army of women saying, ‘I can do it myself’. They screw themselves over with their own masculinity sometimes. So women are afraid to communicate anything that indicates that they don’t have it all together and do want someone to take care of them.
- Women believe they’re too much, and if they want to have a partner, if they show too much of themselves too fast, the guy will head for the door. The reality is that a lot of guys are like that, because they have this belief system that they can’t handle women. It’s a terrible combination.
- Liz’s personal plea is that it’s so draining to not tell the truth, to pretend to be anything other than who and what you actually are, and living entirely outside of yourself, and then what you’re really missing out on is the amazing connection and wild amount of love and support that is there for you if you are truthful and give others the opportunity to do that.
Rob and Liz coach Jeff around his frustrations around his pattern of getting into a job and then leaving to go out on his own, but then panicking and going back to a job. He’s feeling really up and happy and joyful, and wants not to waste that and end up back in the cycle again.
- The elements of working for yourself include believing in yourself. Rob say, you have to work on your psychology, be willing to face the fear of being bankrupt in order to stand one your own, which is not a simple thing. Is that an adventure you actually want to take from this place of clarity?
- Liz thinks Jeff believes it intellectually but there isn’t a full body belief behind it. There is a lot of propaganda of what it looks like to ‘follow your dream’ or ‘follow your desire’. And in doing that, a lot of people really cut themselves off from support, not realizing that if you want to go out on your own, there might be another couple of jobs along the way that bridge you from being in the desire and actually getting to that place.
- Nothing squelches the energy, the creativity and desire like the stress of needing to pay bills and have basic needs met. It’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. So what do you need to do to make sure the basic needs are met without a doubt, that could bridge you into being able to consider getting closer to the work that is in alignment on a longer term basis.
- Your level of energy towards work, if you want to do what you say you want to do, having the bridge and your own stuff, you have to double your energy around work. Are you willing to do that?
- This is where the cycle begins because Jeff gets overwhelmed by the work that seems like it needs to happen to do that.
- Liz asks, what it’s costing Jeff right now to stay in this loop? How painful is it actually? Jeff gets seduced by the comfort of these jobs, but when he thinks about who he wants to be, it’s not that.
- Comfortable people don’t take action. Whatever you need to do to get in touch with how uncomfortable it is to continue this cycle, is actually what needs to happen.
- Liz says, until you’re actually really honest about what’s uncomfortable, the likelihood that you will make changes is low. Change only occurs when the pain of the change is less than you’re current status quo.
- We’re trained to be lazy and want the maximum amount of results with the minimum amount of effort. There’s people who teach that, but from a place of having already put in the maximum effort that got them to the place where now they can put in minimal effort. Their life supports them in doing less because they worked their frigging ass of to get it that way.
- Fast results are possible, and it might not be as fast as you want it, but it’s so worth it when you get there.
- To start a new journey, you just have to say yes to starting the journey. Then don’t be lazy and juice it when you’re on that journey.
- Most people do not get out of their comfortable. It’s a rare percent that considers leaving the status quo. That’s to be celebrated. The question is how do you do that? Get support. It could be a coach, friend, men’s group, a 90 day challenge on Facebook. Build yourself some accountability so you don’t have to do it alone.
- Have a big picture macro-vision of what you want, dial in that desire, get specific about it and then go micro, which is what is the next step you need to be taking? Create an anchor or symbol that would mean you’d ‘got there’ that can represent your desire to you, and help maintain the momentum of the energy you have now.
- Then in the mean time, just focus on the next best step, and then the next best step. Do one at a time and you’ll start racking up better choices along the way. Pay attention for synchronicities. Liz calls it the Rumi effect. ‘What you seek is seeking you.’ Notice when life is coming up to meet you.
- Confidence comes from evidence. Pay attention for all the proof that already exists in your life, in your relationships, in your past experiences that is really evidence that you’re so capable and can totally do it.
- So often we focus on what we don’t have, and that we’re not there yet, and that energy is not the energy you want to bring in to tomorrow to create the momentum you need. Reward the wins.
You can check out the website at www.untameyourself.com or type ‘Dialto’ into iTunes and the social medias and her podcast and pages will come up. She also has a course called Wild Soul Movement for women, and the place to gather to explore being a woman in the 21st century is at www.untameyourself.com/Facebook