Welcome to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. Destin Gerek is here to talk about the concept of sexual self-mastery. Rob met Destin in 2005, and had the honor of working with him for about 5 months as he put on something called Evolve Live in January 2015 in Los Angeles. Rob has deep respect for Destin’s dedication to his craft and practice, his profound professionalism, caring and service. The vast majority of his work these days is with men, so while there is certainly overlap between men and women in the concept of sexual self-mastery, the majority of times Destin is speaking about the man’s experience.
What it really means is coming to really connect to your sexual energy as an energy rather than just a biological urge, and rather than this thing that has been driving you in one form or another since you were 12 years old. Our sexuality comes online at that time if not before, and it’s an incredibly powerful, often overwhelming force inside of us, but we’re not given any proper instruction manual on what to do with it. In fact, the vast majority of guidance that does exist around it is more harmful than helpful.
In the US, although relatively progressive and comprehensive sex education does exist, there are large chunks of the country still getting abstinence as the only form of sex education. On a more global scale, many people don’t even get that. Especially in the case of the abstinence only sex ed, it’s arguable that you may be better off getting nothing.
So many of us are not given proper guidance around this force that’s so powerful in our lives and are left to fend for ourselves to figure this out. Most young men very quickly go into masturbating multiple times a day and having this energy inside of them with the need to release it. They develop patterns around self-pleasure, and masturbation particularly, that are generally rooted in “how do I get this done as quickly and quietly as possible so I don’t get caught?”
These are the initial imprints that get put into our neurological system about what our sexuality is and how our body is to respond sexually. And then we wonder why so many adult men are dealing with premature or rapid ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction issues. Not only have we trained our bodies to come quickly, we’re also imbuing our sexuality initially with a sense of shame, guilt and fear.
So sexual self-mastery is reprogramming all of that. It’s realizing that we’re conscious beings, and we’re adults at this point. It’s asking, “what is the sexual expression that I really want or desire?” and, “what are the habits and practices that I can bring into my life to create that?” Ultimately, you end up having total choice over when or if you ejaculate.
Destin and Rob explore the topic further:
- This isn’t about learning to last a few minutes longer or doubling the time. Once you really know how to connect to your sexual energy and move that energy, time is not a factor.
- The pragmatic practices for a man who wants to gain sexual self-master or a partner who wants to support him in doing so.
- Start with the self, it always starts there. Begin by changing how you masturbate. For most men, masturbation involves looking at a screen of moving images, i.e. porn, while one hand is around the shaft. All of the attention is on the screen not in the body.
- If masturbation equals porn for you, turning off porn and learning to connect to self-pleasure without it is a big change. You have programmed your body to respond with a particular type of really intense stimulation that is akin to doing hard-core drugs. It’s a hit that’s designed to drive you towards rapid ejaculation. And it works. If you want to be able to have greater connection to your body and create better experiences for yourself and your partner, you need to turn it off and take the attention into your body.
- This can be incredibly confronting for a lot of men. A lot are really disconnected from our bodies. We spend our time in outside the body, whether we’re talking about porn or simply looking at our computers, or sitting behind the wheel of a car, or on the couch looking at the TV.
- Add things like yoga or massage or martial arts or working out. Anything that gets you into your body more can help. Then starting to connect the being in your body more with sex and pleasure.
- Fantasy can be a great point in between. You can dip in an out, go from your images and thoughts to feeling into the body, noticing what you’re thinking and feeling in the body. This is called establishing a practice of erotic self-exploration (ESE)
- Dustin differentiates erotic self-exploration from masturbation habits because just about everyone has a masturbation habit. It’s a habit, it’s intensity goal oriented, in order to get off. ESE is a practice like any other practice. It’s time that you’re intentionally setting aside, exploring your own eroticism. Rather than the focus being on getting off, the focus is on discovery, exploration and what else is possible to feel and experience.
- This also helps you learn to slow down, which is something that women often crave more of from their men. If you learn to slow down in your connection to your own body and your own sexual response system, it’s going to be way easier for you to connect to her from that slowed down place as well.
- Essentially you’re learning to connect in to the energy of your sexuality. Most men fell all of that pleasure of orgasm almost entirely in their pelvis and genitals. The big part of learning to last as long as you want, to be able to move that energy more freely to experience full body orgasms instead of just genitally based ones, (and non-ejaculatory energetic orgasms and the holy grail of male multiple orgasms) involves reprogramming yourself so your pelvis is not the container of your sexual energy. Your entire body is a container of that sexual energy.
- There are some good books on the subject, such as The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantack Chia.
- The important thing to know is that there’s hope. You can learn and hone this in relatively short periods of time. Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction on the surface seem like they’re opposite problems. But they’re actually not, it’s the same basic principles for men who are struggling with each of those things and it’s really about connecting more deeply to the body and learning to connect to this energy.
For the partners wanting to support men in this practice of sexual self-exploration, Destin also shares some insights:
- Being in that open, honest, compassionate, non-judgmental, supportive energy with him is huge. From there, allow him his process. There’s a good chance that he already carries shame, guilt or fear around whatever the challenge is that he’s dealing with, and by being the ever constant, loving support there, that alone could simply allow him to relax enough that quite a bit of it goes away on its own.
- Remove the word and concept of performance in sex out of your vocabulary. It does not help the situation in any way, shape or form. Sex is about connecting, about play, about creating powerful experiences together. Performance disconnects, it’s the opposite of intimacy. Stay in it, stay connected, stay loving, stay in touch, stay engaged.
- For men with trauma, they bring that to the bedroom. The space of unconditional love and acceptance is incredibly powerful. That trauma can show up in different ways: fight, flight or freeze. If that trauma is coming out in anger or rage, first and foremost make sure that you are safe. Encourage additional support and professional support particularly if that’s the case. If it’s in freeze, how can you maintain the connection? That’s the basis here. Get out of the directionality of ‘this is what sex is and is supposed to be’ Erase the linear model.
- Slow down, and if you think you’ve slowed down, slow down even more. Allow for a lot of pauses and just dropping in with one another, feeling one another, particularly in places of trauma. Bring your attention more to the intimacy and the connection than the goal.
- The shame on top of the trauma, is the key. Men are taught to say, ‘I’m fine, I got it together, nothing wrong with me.’ The biggest impediment and difficulty for men in getting help is even recognizing or admitting that it would be helpful.
Rob and Destin coach Nelson, who has been exploring sexuality, relationships and intimacy this year. However, he feels like he’s stepping into the dark and he doesn’t know where to go from here to drop into those deeper levels.
- Certain aspects of ESE can be easier when you are with somebody regularly because it allows deeper relaxation to take place. The bottom line is being the safe container for yourself for that deeper relaxation. Cultivating self-love and self-acceptance goes a long way to this, both on an individual level and with a partner.
- The practice of ESE can be a really powerful shame destroyer. It forces you to be with yourself, with your body, with your turn on, in different states of arousal. Pause and notice your feelings in your body, where your mind is at, the stories that come up, and then come back into it. Touch everywhere, look for the parts of your body that maybe you have judgment about or aren’t as comfortable with.
- Too often there is this idea that connected or intimate sex needs to be this soft, tantric type of sexual experience. That’s great, but you can have just as incredibly powerful and connected sex that’s rip-roaring intense, even rough, kinky.
- There is an element of slowing down enough that you can be more fully present with what’s going on. Use your senses: sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste – to get out of your head and be more fully in your body. Your senses themselves are the gateway to deeper presence. When you’re fully in your senses you aren’t up in your mind chatter.
- Erotic self-exploration is about engaging the entire body and the genitals. Most people compartmentalize. For most of our waking lives it’s like our genitals don’t exist, and then in sexual situations it’s like nothing else exists. ESE is about more of a full integration
- It’s about the investigation of your body but it’s also about the investigation of your mind, your shame, the parts of you that feel blocked. It’s a concert between the two.
- There are four main tools for moving energy, including sexual energy: breath, sound, movement and visualization.
- For a lot of people, when you’re getting more and more aroused, your breath becomes more shallow and rapid, or at a certain point you start to hold your breath. Also, your body starts to tense up and particularly your pelvic floor, abs, butt and thighs. That’s great if you want to ejaculate, that will drive you towards ejaculation. If that’s not what you’re wanting to do in that moment, you can learn to consciously slow down and deepen your breath, particularly putting a focus on lengthening out the exhale and noticing the places that are tense and letting them go.
- For women the model is to be having crazy screaming orgasms at the slightest touch, whereas men are supposed to be silent except for the occasional grunt or ‘yeah baby’. Neither of these models is particularly helpful. Sound doesn’t need to be about performance, nor does it need to be stifled, but rather both an expression and an exploration of the pleasure that you’re feeling.
- Your capacity to make sound and be loud is directly tied up in your sense of freedom. Sound also quiets the mind, it drowns out the mental chatter. It helps that energy start to move more through the body.
- Sound is the secret to getting more blow jobs!
How to find Destin
Check out Destin’s websites atwww.evolvedmasculine.com.
He has a gift for all of you, a 10-minute audio called The Evolved Masculine Blueprint.