Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. Jeffrey Platts is the fun and well-dressed guest today and he’s here to share what not to say on a date! Jeffrey is a men’s coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men own and express their value with women, and the world. Rob is always touched by the way Jeffrey approves of men and what they’re going through in this disapproving world.
Jeffrey and Rob have both heard a lot of complaints over the years from women who feel frustrated that guys are ambiguous when asking for a date. Instead of being upfront, they ask to ‘hang out’ or ‘get coffee’ or ‘go for a walk’. A lot of guys do this because it dilutes the fear of actually asking a woman out. If you hang out and there’s no chemistry, then it’s easy to say it wasn’t a date to begin with. Then, if there is chemistry, it’s a surprise bonus.
While it may make sense from the perspective of not wanting to be rejected, Jeffrey warns that it isn’t the optimal way to approach it. If two people are spending time together either one has to ask the question, ‘is this a date?’, something’s wrong because it hasn’t been expressly communicated. The mistake most guys make when asking women out is in not actually using the word date!
Robert and Jeffrey have a lot to share on this topic.
- The reason men should be bold and courageous in asking a woman on a date, owning their desires and stating, “I want to take you on a date.”
- Why the lack of commitment and willingness to be upfront about dating is part of the reason 21st Century romance is totally fucked up (see episode 71).
- The value in not wasting time. When asking a woman on an ambiguous non-date, you don’t get a clear answer as to whether or not she’s interested. If you are upfront in asking for a date, and she says yes, then she has clearly expressed romantic curiosity about you. And if not, then you save yourself time and you can move on. It takes the questions out of your mind.
- Why you need to lead with your desire. You can declare ‘I want to take you on a date’ and have total respect for the other person’s right to decline.
- The worst case scenario: why it rarely actually happens, and if it does, the reason it likely has more to do with her than you.
- The importance of reframing it as an invitation, instead of as a mandate on your existence as a man based on her response.
- The role technology has played in this and the way that has impacted on dating in a generational sense.
- How this ties in to personal responsibility in general for men and their ability to take ownership, go for what they want and deal with whatever cards are dealt to them.
- The link between the ambiguous start and the ambiguous “ghosting” as a way to end to romantic relationships. If you’re going to have the courage to ask somebody out on a date, you also have to have the courage to know how to have that conversation when it’s not a fit.
- The importance of self-compassion and authenticity. When you meet a radiant woman that you are blow away by, you get fried and freeze up, or you stumble and fumble your words. Forget about having cool lines and the James Bond intro, just say ‘hello’ and lead with your desire. How it comes across is how it comes across, don’t stress out about it.
- How doing personal development work to get to a place of being ok with your emotions can help you be with them in those moments. Your breath is your friend.
- The hangover of the 20th century dating games people have played that has left people jaded and cynical
- Why you should curate the perspectives and environments you’re surrounded by so you can start to transcend this hangover, expand your view and start to have different conversations.
- What Jeffrey recommends to his clients who lack self-confidence to help them self-empower
- The need to have inquiry into who you are and what archetypes you have been surrounded by that you might be comparing yourself to. Own your own flavor of masculinity.
- The trap a lot of guys fall in where they try to find a woman to validate them from the outside because they don’t value themselves or have good physical shape, solid male friendships, a career they like or a connection to themselves. It’s not either/or, they can happen concurrently. However, it’s important to get stuff handled in your life for you, not to get a woman, but just because you value yourself. Those things—being healthy, looking good, having deep male friendships and an enjoyable career—are the foundations that support feeling good in life and when approaching women.
- Why women don’t mind being maternal and nurturing at times, but they want a man who can stand up and hold his own so they don’t have to be his mother.
Robert and Jeffrey coach Teddy, who has recently had the experience of asking a woman to ‘hang out’ and getting an ambiguous response.
- Teddy owns that he was not 100% upfront about wanting to go on a date
- Robert explains the value of rapport building for opening up the woman’s vigilance center so there is a safe space for her to feel attracted.
- Teddy finds that the game of texting and calling makes him feel boxed in but feels like that means of communication is what’s expected these days
- Why relationships are like silly putty. You need to maintain the integrity of the connection over time, rather than jump a step. If you go too far, the connection (or the silly putty!) gets thin and can break.
- Non-verbal signals are a huge piece of the rapport building as well and they’re often missing because of the technology barrier.
- Women can feel when a man is looking for some kind of validation that he’s doing it right and wanting overt permission. It flies in the face of the hero’s journey, which is about the experience of putting your neck out, risking the possibility of feeling the pain and getting reborn.
- People are afraid to be vulnerable and exposed. This applies to women and men. The power of technology is that you don’t have to feel that, you can hide behind your phone and even cut and paste if you want to.
- Jeffrey advises Teddy to build the rapport, and then sit in the uncomfortable sensation of the vulnerability of the ask. Show up, be a man, stand up and take the “risk” of exposing yourself.
- The Latin root of the word confidence is ‘with trust’. So when you feel confidence, you are trusting that you have your own back, that you can handle this no matter what.
- Rob wonders how to shift from the text back to voice communication in this 140-character, swipe-left-swipe-right world. Jeffrey suggests sending voice messages to people either on iMessage, VoxApp or Facebook.
- Remember the power of calling a friend out of the blue for a short, informal chat. We have made calling into such a big deal now, and schedule it like a phone call always has to be an hour-long catch up, but it can be just a few minutes just to connect and say, ‘Hey, I was thinking about you.’
- Dating is like dancing. If you, the man, ask a woman to dance, and then every moment ask if she wants to turn left or right, or twirl, or dip, it gets exhausting and not fun for either of you. If you, in that context, take the lead and over time as your sensitivity grows you notice she doesn’t like certain moves, you can try different moves. In dating, take the lead, respect her preferences as you lead, and trust in her agency.
- Jeffrey encourages men to find their own version of masculinity, not to oppose anyone else’s, but just in order to be authentically themselves.
- Good men need to stand up and be more visible, louder in a grounded and powerful way. Own your goodness and share it with the world.
How to connect with Jeffrey
You can find him on his website at www.jeffreyplatts.com or on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter @jeffreyplatts