Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. In this episode Rob interviews Tripp Laneer from the New Man Podcast about getting out of your comfort zone. Tripp has been coaching for 10 years. He has worked with men and women all around the world, but primarily works with men and especially with folks who want to do good work in the world. They want to make a great living doing good work in the world but there’s resistance and fear to get out of their professional comfort zone or level up to the next place for them.
Tripp’s podcast, The New Man Podcast, has been going for 10 years and has over 1 million downloads. He started it because he was learning all this life changing material, but realized it would never help the people he knew that were really struggling in their life because it wasn’t presented in a way that was accessible for them. It was for the guys on top of the mountain who already understood this codified language, so Tripp decided to translate it into a language that the rest of us could appreciate and use. When he did interviews, he imagined two people in his life were there in the room, which would help Tripp ask better questions and make the interviews much more practical and useful.
Tripp grew up with a sense of having to know everything and play it safe. Every guest inspires him to move out of his comfort zone, but on in particular was Vernon Reed from the band Living Color. He seemed to grow up with a mindset about creating life and taking a stand for being creative. His approach to just going for what he really wants and being a professional creative artist really inspired Tripp. He took that message to his own life: take risks and be willing to try things instead of needing to have it all figured out beforehand.
Having been a professional musician, Tripp found it stopped being fun when it became about trying to get somewhere. He burnt out and lost the love of it for a while, but these days finds it a lot more fun now that his self-worth isn’t attached to it. He has learned that you don’t get to decide if people are going to like what you do. You just get to make your think and hop you find your audience. Make it about loving the thing, getting better and growing and expanding that way.
Tripp has been on the path that lots of his clients are now on. He ran a media production company for 10 years, which he started so he could be a musician and not starve. But he went through a big shift personally and spiritually where he realized he felt like he was playing a role professionally. There was the Tripp that went out and made money in the world, and then there was another Tripp that had other interests, and he wanted to align the two.
Tripp realized after he started coaching professionally that it was something he’s always been doing. He loves being in conversation with people around what really matters and what they want to actually create in their life. He urges people to apply the personal development stuff they do to all aspects of their life. Aligning who we are and our values with the work that we do means we’re going to bump up against a lot of different areas when it comes to being comfortable.
Tripp deals with this comfort zone stuff in a lot of ways:
- The first thing to recognize is that it’s an ongoing process. It’s not like ‘I got out of my comfort zone in 2014 and now I’m done.’ If we’re on a growth path, then we’re always up against our growth edge.
- Get out of isolation. When we’re talking about this stuff with other people and we hear the stories that come out of our mouths that don’t add up, it’s powerful. We need that mirror and to get out of our own little bubble. Just sharing what we want to do in the world can be transformative in and of itself.
- As a coach, Tripp believes in working with other coaches and other professionals, people that are going to influence you and challenge you and help you grow.
- Tripp shares some of the success stories of how the work he does affected somebody, including a former Navy Seal.
- We all have a hard time believing that we could actually provide value being our natural, essential selves and be successful with that in a professional role.
- A lot of us go on that path: the path that we think is the right one or the complete one, or the one we ‘should’ go on. But then we’re miserable because we’re not truly living who we are. We’re out of our purpose and we’re living someone else’s script, some other movie.
- If you know the chef at the restaurant, why would you always just settle for what’s on the menu? Ask him to make something cool for you. Most of us don’t realize we know the chef, we don’t have to settle for whatever’s on the menu. Most of us don’t think we have permission to ask the chef or ask outside the menu and outside the box
- The important thing is training our mind to get out of this place where we’re settling for the options that are presented to us and instead asking ourselves ‘what do I want, what excites me?’ Most of us have learned to shut that off because it was too painful to try and hear that voice and go do the thing we thought we had to do in order to be successful.
- When you take a complaint, the thing that’s dissatisfying to you, and turn it into a request, and then go and make that request, you realize people start saying ‘yes’.
- When you really ask ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen?’ in most situations the penalty or the thing people are afraid of is pretty small.
- Having the courage to say ‘I want to make my own burrito’ is what it’s really about. Most people are so afraid of making the worst burrito of their life that there’s no chance they’ll ever make the best burrito. Start by just asking to make your own burrito.
Tripp and Rob coach Scott, an entrepreneur and life coach who is ready to move out of being small and step into being seen more. They discuss:
- Dealing with the insecurity that comes from putting your work out into the world. The fears about whether it’s good enough, when you’re good enough and how they keep Scott in the small pond.
- What the big pond is for Scott, and how that brings up fears about visibility.
- The sense of responsibility and the weight of expectations Scott feels about being seen, and his discomfort around meeting those expectations and fears of disappointing people.
- A feeling of having to have all the answers, even when the job from the get go is about not having the answers.
- The importance of getting over oneself as a coach. If it’s all about you, that makes it hard. The value in saying ‘I’m not important here.’
- It gets a lot more fun when we stop trying to look at ourselves the whole time and we just get out of the way. It’s really hard for us to see what’s going to serve other people if we’re looking at it through this lense of ‘how’s this going to make me look?’
- How Tripp has had the same experience of being a bottleneck in his business and how deciding to quit was actually what set him free because it allowed him to let go.
- The importance of saying ‘I’m just going to serve this guy even if it means I’m not very popular at the end of it.’ because a coach’s job is to say the uncomfortable thing and put the client out of their comfort zone.
- Tuff love burns but it feels so good, it removes the shackles. That’s why people go to coaches and therapists and 12-step programs and mens/women’s groups: they want the reflection that no-one else will say to them.
- Every person is just a person. When you start to buy into people’s bullshit, you lose your ability to truly see them. They’re all broken and neurotic just like the rest of us. They’re just another person and your job is to not believe any of the stuff that they use to trick the world. It’s a masquerade but the coach is there to do something bigger than buy into the mask.
- Every single client you have will say shit that will trigger you. It’s the natural attraction of coaching: you’re going to pull clients in on the stuff that you want to work on as a coach. That’s why it’s so important for coaches to continue to do their own work.
- That sense of self-doubt will always be there, it doesn’t go away. Don’t wait for that stuff to go away, you don’t need permission from them to do this. Love and accept the parts of yourself that are doubt and fear because there is a deeper part of you, and that’s where the coaching comes from.
- We think the fear is wrong, or the discomfort is wrong, and that we have to stop and analyze it. Just expect it, it’s part of the gig.
- On some level, the fear reminds you you’re alive. Use your fear, let it propel you and let it grow you.
- We don’t have to like it. We can romanticize it and have a cool reframe of it. But there’s also a part that hates it and doesn’t want to feel it because it’s really inconvenient. But do you want the thing more than you want to avoid the fear?
- Would it be ‘nice’ to have the thing, or do you really want it? There needs to be a fierceness from you that comes from love. You need to want it so bad that you won’t tolerate fear or resistance or anything getting in the way because you won’t be stopped.
- Remember: if it’s the worst burrito of your life, at least you know you tried to make the burrito!
More from Tripp:
You can find out more about Tripp at The New Man Podcast on your favorite podcast app. There’s also lots of great stuff including a free 20-minute micro course over at www.thenewmanpodcast.com.