079: Drop your Ego, Meet Women w/ Ryan Black

In Podcast, Relationship by Robert KandellLeave a Comment

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Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. The guest on today’s show is Ryan Black and he’s here to talk about talking to women, lowering your ego and improving all of your relationships.

Ryan Black is the Chief Marketing Officer and Marketing Director of Sasha Dating Systems. He is UK’s highest paid Direct DayGame Coach, he has 6 years experience in the industry, is an alumni speaker of the 21 Convention and a co-founder of the Infinite Man Summit. Reading his bio, you might have some bias, as Rob did, stemming from what you know of the seduction community. Suspend your bias, listen to the story of how Ryan got to this position and you will be able to learn from his story and his wisdom.

Here’s what you will learn:

  • Why Ryan struggled with the narrative that we’re given by society of what your lives, and our relationships, should look like.
  • How feeling stuck and asking ‘is this it?’ led Ryan to the seduction community, starting with the book ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss
  • What the seduction community is and the messages portrayed
  • How Ryan spent 2 – 3 years using all the tips and techniques in the seduction books, and failing miserably
  • Why, when the techniques don’t work, it’s typical for men to blame themselves and believe the problem is within them
  • The false belief (sold by this community) that if you just find that one technique or one routine, and put on a façade, it will unlock all your romantic success
  • How a YouTube video of a Canadian guy doing silly stuff on the streets of London in the middle of the day started to change Ryan’s perspective
  • The importance of having fun in the process of meeting people and building relationships
  • Some of the mindset shifts Ryan had in working with Sasha Daygame
  • Examples of the limiting beliefs installed in us by society, parents, schooling and the seduction community
  • How Ryan went from taking Sasha’s courses to teaching them
  • Why the most important thing is not the techniques or the body language or what you say, but becoming comfortable with yourself, your desires and your intent in each moment and being able to express that authentically and effectively
  • How to ruffle as few feathers as possible (and why this is not only an unsuccessful strategy, but boring and unfulfilling)
  • What the ego is and the way the conscious and unconscious brain work
  • How our brains are like computers with old programs that have turned into viruses, taking up more and more memory and performing a function that is completely useless and actually detrimental to your existence and happiness and survival in today’s world
  • The pragmatic approach to going against this computer program
  • The importance of getting out of your comfort zone, getting used to the feeling of rejection (and realizing you can survive!) and accepting that people may disapprove.

Rob and Ryan then coach Marc, who is working really hard to get out of the stories from his childhood, and becoming consciously aware of how quickly he puts on his mask to try to be approved. They explore:

  • Why it’s perfectly natural and in fact is a really good skill to be adaptable and able to express yourself in different ways and present different sides of yourself in different circumstances.
  • How it can become a problem when you’re presenting a façade of yourself because your ego is telling you to repress a part of who you are because ‘somebody might not like it’
  • The paradoxical reason that if more people disapprove of you, more people will authentically like you too.
  • When judgments on top of judgments of yourself lead you into a spiral of beating yourself up for being human
  • The value in having others check you and draw your attention to your language and the way you speak about yourself
  • Why that language is programming the subconscious mind to find proof and justify and confirm the messages of that language, without you even realizing
  • How recognizing that language you use consciously can help to change the commands you’re giving to your subconscious mind.
  • That everybody wants to be safe and everybody wants to be right
  • The importance of taking a long-term view and thinking about what will make you happy long term, not just safe in the now moment
  • The questions to ask yourself to help take that long-term view: ‘What’s my ultimate goal? What do I want to accomplish? Who do I want to be? What type of relationship do I want to have?’
  • How accepting that some people will disapprove can help you to move on from them and focus your attention on the people who genuinely like you
  • Why, at the beginning of a relationship, most people and more commonly women, will present a version of themselves that is who they think the other person wants rather than their true selves
  • That your partner is a reflection of the parts of you that you doubt, and when this happens it’s a notice to your self-esteem to pay attention to you
  • How mirror work can help to increase your self-esteem
  • Why staying who you are, irrespective of the response, is the infinite game
  • Why your ego is always going to be the part of you that tells you not to change and to stay safe.
  • The importance of recognizing that you are not your ego, you are not your thoughts, you are not the judgment you are placing on yourself. You are much more than that. You are the infinite substrate in which all of that is happening.

How to find Ryan

If you’re a guy and you’re interested in this different way of doing things and looking to have a connection with a woman from a place of honest and authenticity, without ego, check out the free presentation Ryan and Sasha put together. It’s on the biggest mindset shifts they went through to be able to achieve this transformation. Get it at bit.ly/3-Shifts

The best testimonial ever!

“Since I’ve been working with Rob, the level of nookie [I’m getting] has gone up exponentially, not just in quantity but in intensity.” ~ Mark

Other links mentioned:

Show #70 with Destin Gerek.