084: On Death

In Podcast, Self-Empowerment by Robert Kandell1 Comment

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Welcome to another episode of Tuff Love with Rob Kandell.

This week is a sensitive show, and one near and dear to Rob’s heart. It’s the concept around death, which is very impactful. Part of this episode is influenced by Death and Dying, a book by Elizabeth Kublar Ross, Rob’s Mom’s mentor. It’s also inspired by a good friend who died recently, which affected Rob deeply. As he continues to take steps away from the friend’s passing, there are more and more feelings arising. So this is a perfect topic for Tuff Love because it’s always about your ability to feel your feelings, see what’s underneath and don’t avoid topic that affect us deeply.

This show is around the concept of death, and it’s focused on two men who have died since Rob has been an adult. He had grandparents and other people pass but really as an adult there were two distinct men whose deaths really impacted and affected him. This week’s rant explores that:

  • The first guy is Rob’s friend Jeff, who he met at his first job out of grad school back in 1994. After around 18 months Rob went to work in corporate America and eventually got Jeff a job there too. A year later, Jeff was in a car crash involving some other coworkers and ended up in a coma with brain damage. When Rob visited him in hospital, he was convinced that he wouldn’t die. But he did.
  • Rob felt the loss very deeply. At around 26 years of age, it was the first time he experienced grief like that and it shook him to the core.
  • Then 10 days ago, on Facebook, Rob started seeing messages about loss. A few hours later he received a message that Jerry had died. At first Rob wondered if it was a prank. He was in shock, thinking, ‘how can this be possible?’
  • Rob went to the memorial service in San Francisco. There were 250 people there and he watched the depth of feeling inside these people, loving him, loving each other through him, then loving themselves because of the impact he had on their lives.
  • Jerry and Rob were never close friends, more acquaintances, but Rob always knew Jerry was somebody he could count on. For example, one time he drove 14 hours in one day to keep his integrity and deliver something he had purchased for Rob.

What Rob feels around the concept of death:

  • We assume death is much easier for the person dying than it is for the people they leave behind. The people living are dying at the same time with the loss of their friend.
  • When you die, it’s game over for this life time. Who knows what happens in other lifetimes? All those plans, all those desires that you think you can do later, you don’t get a chance to do that in this lifetime with the people you’re associated with. If you keep delaying what you want to do in this life, you never know if something will happen to your body.
  • We all think we’re invincible, we all think we’ve got plenty of time. For some of us, we do, but for others like Jerry and Jeff, you just might not.
  • We make excuses to ourselves and to our loved ones, ‘I can’t because xyz’. Just look at the effect of saying ‘I can’t do it.’ Because it could be that you can’t do it because you’re dead. So today is the first day of the rest of your life. This is really IT in present time.
  • When you are out of alignment with someone else, and you die, you’ve run out of time to fix that alignment.
  • It feels kind of good to hate, it’s kind of fun to hate the villains in your life. What do you want to do with those people you are out of alignment with? What do you want to do about the arguments you have with people you are disconnected from? Look at the list of people you are disconnected from and start to think is the disconnection worth it and what is the cost if you went?
  • The thing about people dying is it reminds us it’s time to start living. There is that famous quote from The Shawshank Redemption: “I guess it comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living or get busy dying.”
  • You’ve got a choice, and for a lot of us we say we’re living but we’re not truly living. If we are living, we’re living someone else’s version of life.
  • Rob is grateful for Jerry and Jeff because they remind him that it’s time to get busy living because you never know when that last breath is going to occur.
  • We all have plenty of excuses for why we can’t do what we want to do, and they might hold up in an argument with your partner or a court of law, but to Rob it’s bullshit. If you truly want something, if you truly want to achieve something, if you truly want to change your life, you can. It might not be the thing you exactly want but it will put you in the direction of where you want to go.

Rob coaches David, who he has succeeded to piss off before they even begin the coaching! David is feeling confronted by this subject.

  • Men don’t get permission for their emotions and they’re not lauded for being human, so Rob thanks David for feeling emotions and admitting that too.
  • David is struck by a sense of urgency, from Rob’s rant. His mind is in conflict with his heart around how one can define life on ones own terms inside of an enduring struggle, for instance in relationship.
  • It’s common that we accept good enough. Good is the enemy of great. We persevere and compromise, and not in extreme situations only, but that’s where a lot of people live because they don’t know that they’re worthy of having the life they want to have, and they also don’t have the skills to move from where they are to where they want to get to.
  • David has three answers for the subject of worthiness. Intellectually, emotionally yes does think and feel worthy. But below that his actual behaviors, which are driven by the most pernicious unworthiness, which is a huge life-long struggled based in childhood trauma. He has examined it with therapists and professionals and shamanic work, yet doesn’t know how to reconcile that.
  • Rob reminds David that unworthiness could be his, it could be his ancestors, it could be his parents, it could be him taking on the energetic karma of others. The first step is just acknowledging it.
  • Rob turned his life over to a woman and a cause and thought his desires were secondary, not even on the list. He lived that way for 12 years, then one day woke up and said no. He walked away from a “great” ulcer-creating life and in 3 years turned life around 180 degrees, to such a different existence.
  • Rob suddenly woke up and made a change, stepping off the edge into mystery. First he just thought, “even if I lose everything, it’s got to be better than this feeling of being a slave and victim of my own creation.“ The feeling of being a slave wasn’t worth all the success and money and attention. He didn’t tell anyone, but spent a year plotting and planning, to ensure his creation and he himself would be taken care of. Then circumstances arose he was able to pull the pin.
  • If David stepped into the abyss, what is he afraid of losing? Sanity. He might spin out of control ad infinitum and end up on the street. That’s a really common fear, homelessness. On some level it’s also being alone and abandoned, the energetic feeling of not being connected to another human being.
  • Rob had to feel that feeling of never being connected again, had to risk it to be in that part having 100% faith in his own ability to create.
  • Rob believes David 100% will never end up insane. He might end up sad, depressed, lonely but he has to look at the fear of what’s stopping him from stepping into that abyss because the fear is the thing that’s controlling you. You have to identify the fear and morph that into desire.
  • The unworthy voice wants to go dramatic. That dramatic voice is the little internal voice saying ‘pay attention to me’. Rob even dedicated 3 years to that exit. Not saying or recommending that to everyone, unless it’s toxic or dangerous, you don’t have to bail immediately. You don’t have to keep it secret. You can say to your loved ones, ‘I want to make a change, let’s do this collaboratively, let’s ensure that we’re in sync,’ and then find that worthy muscle to say, ‘Let’s start tomorrow to figure out the future that has me happy.’
  • It’s possible. Rob is not saying it’s easy but it’s possible. The unworthy voice says ‘that’s not possible or realistic’. Stick to the brain voice that says ‘anything is possible, I’m worthy’.
  • It’s an inside game. David needs to recognize himself. We are addicted to external validation. Social media feeds our addiction like some really fine heroine.
  • If you’re looking for external validation, odds of it happening exactly the way you want it are slim, and odds of you receiving it even when it does come are even slimmer because of that unworthy muscle.
  • Remember: you deserve everything you want. It’s possible.
  • Morgan suggests a tapping meridian point on the pinkie finger knuckle.
  • We have these limiting beliefs and they’re just arbitrary. You can put stock into them or not.

Every day Rob wakes up and thinks, “I’m going to do something today super bad-ass cool.” Whatever your flavor is, you have the choice today to go and change it. Rob’s hope for you is you’ll do it.

Find out more about Morgan at MorganMellas.com

As always, if you’ve enjoyed this episode of Tuff Love, please subscribe, leave a rating and review, and share it with your friends.

  • Naomi Colb

    Great to hang out with you and David in this conversation about how death is such a great ally and inspiration for valuing the opportunity of living each day.
    i also enjoyed hearing the behind the scenes on how you left . Hug, N