Welcome back to Tuff Love with your host, Rob Kandell. This week is a guest start week, with special guest Nancy Levin. Nancy is a successful author, speaker, Hay House talk radio host and an amazing person. Rob heard her speak earlier this year and was wowed by her story of saying ‘no’ to her own mediocrity and stuckness in order to reclaim the lost pieces of her.
The entry point for making a major change in Nancy’s life was the breakdown of her marriage that happened from the way she was unwilling to tell the truth to herself, and therefore to anyone else. Having lived by the motto of ‘never let them see you sweat’ she had been managing others’ perceptions of her, projecting an image of perfection to the world. Now she knows that this originated for her around a significant event of her 6-year old brother dying when she was 2 years old. He was born handicapped, and when he died, the imprint on Nancy was that being imperfect led to death. That started the quest for perfectionism in her own life, and wanting to the fixer and savior and to heal a wound in her parents that couldn’t be healed. When we’re imprinted at such a young age with limiting shadow beliefs, we go out into the world and we start drawing towards us circumstances and situations that will reinforce those beliefs. Nancy drew toward her a man who she eventually married, and the dynamic was one of his brokenness and her being the fixer.
Fast forward: Nancy spent 12 years as the event director at Hay House, surrounded by the world’s most amazing speakers and teachers in the field of self-empowerment, motivation and inspiration, yet none of their teachings could land in her until she was in her own dark night of the soul. This happened in the form of her husband reading her journals and discovered that she had an affair 8 years earlier. She had set a bomb in that journal that would detonate 8 years later because she didn’t know any other way out. You can watch a video of the extended version of Nancy’s story here.
Part of the journey for Nancy has been in being able to tell the truth to people who were safe, being able to be supported by people who rallied around her when she revealed the truth, and in no longer abandoning herself and betraying herself. The real process of evolution has been being able to be with the truth so that it doesn’t come out sideways, and realizing that the self-preservation of the perfectionism was no longer an acceptable way to live.
Nancy and Rob discuss:
- The concept of imprinting: between 0 and 8 we take on these thoughts that dictate the rest of our lives through unconscious patterns.
- The significant events occur when we’re under 8 years old but we’re too young to process and digest them in a healthy or even conscious way. So we make them mean something personal to us, in reaction to what’s happening around us.
- Most commonly these conclusions that we draw about ourselves present as some form of: I’m not good enough, I’m not enough, I’m not lovable, there’s something wrong with me. They all funnel down into “I’m not worthy.”
- It’s not until we’re adults and we’re willing to do this self-inquiry that we can connect the dots.
- The first steps Nancy took after the destruction of her marriage was to go to an event by Debbie Ford, as an attendee this time instead of Hay House staff. The work involved shame, self-forgiveness and giving herself permission. That was the beginning of the journey for Nancy.
- She was so deeply impacted by this work that she went through Debbie Ford’s coaching training certification program to continue the inner exploration. At the end of that, it was her mission or calling to help others get free, through coaching.
- For a while Nancy did both the coaching and kept her day job at Hay House but three years ago she left to do coaching full time.
- She published a book of poems, self-published. Then Reed Tracy, the president of Hay House suggested she write a real book. The second book, also self-published, is called Jump and Your Life Will Appear: An Inch by Inch Guide to Making a Major Change, which was Nancy’s reflections upon the steps she took to leave her marriage which ultimately led her to leave her job. Her third book is called Worthy, which is about boosting your self-worth to grow your net worth. She has a fourth book coming out next year, about relationships, called The New Relationship Blueprint.
- Nancy has coaching groups and works one-on-one with people, and she specifically has created coaching curriculum from her books. She primarily takes people through a very specific process that is proven to be able to help them make change, whether relationship, career, geographical. No matter what the outside jump is, it’s the internal jump to self-love, self-awareness, self-worth that is really needed.
- When working with money, it’s about money but not really at the same time, because it’s about the ways we determine our value and our worth.
- Nancy also dives deep into the shadow beliefs and underlying commitments. We think we’re committed to what we say we want, but we’re actually committed to something else. Everything comes down to the choices and actions we make because making different choices and taking different actions is the only way change is going to happen.
- Our present moment choice is what will predict our future. So we have to be conscientious about the choices we’re making every day to make sure that they’re in alignment.
- The underlying commitments are really the survival strategies and coping mechanisms that we put in place when we were young to stay safe and feel loved. It’s the ways we begin to package ourselves in order to be digestible to someone else.
- Examples are, “I won’t rock the boat in order to stay safe,” “I’ll stay invisible in order to be loved,” “I’ll stay quiet in order to feel safe.”
- The very commitment that serves us when we’re young becomes the seed of our self-sabotage when we get older.
Nancy and Rob coach Steve, who is having a hard time fully moving on from his wife leaving.
- Steve had a traumatic childhood and Nancy shares that there is likely a linkup with that and his wife leaving, and that there’s likely an undercurrent of some shadow belief or commitment.
- What we want to do is look at the events that occurred and ask, ‘What did I make it mean about me?’
- Our beliefs are magnetic. We often think about beliefs as being fact, but a belief is not a fact. A belief is simply a long held idea about how the world works and our role within it. We start to draw toward us circumstances and situations that will corroborate and reinforce what we believe.
- Steve has a shadow belief that “some things are too good for me”, and Nancy flips it to “I’m not good enough”.
- From this adult place, we want to be able to go back into the child and see what the child made it mean. The adult part of you can add, ‘yet’ to “I’m not good enough” to make it “I’m not good enough YET” but the child part of you could not do that.
- When you can identify the through-lines in your life of those beliefs, you can begin to see the cost of those beliefs.
- We have this idea that something outside of us is going to have us change how we feel about ourselves. “If xyz, then I’ll feel good about myself.” But because we bring toward us what will reinforce what we believe, the shift has to happen inside us first, and then there needs to be different choices and different actions to cultivate the new belief.
- Shift the belief first, and then make the choices and take the actions that serve that particular belief.
- A great exercise to do here is to make a list of ‘I say I want…but what I’m experiencing is…” This helps crystalize the discrepancy that’s happening.
- The next step is to go in and see the actions you’ve been taking and choices you’ve been making that take you away from what you say you want.
- Every choice we make is in service or sabotaging what we desire. It’s one or the other.
- We all have our drug of choice, our avoidance strategy. Drugs, alcohol, work, exercise, food. We all have the thing we go to to numb out, and we go there unconsciously. Start tracking on the way there to find out what we don’t want to see or feel or deal with that’s having us go unconscious. Beginning that piece of awareness can be a game changer.
- Steve believes his marriage ended due to his lack of polarity in the masculine-feminine dynamic. There is a link for him to his childhood. He does feel he’s learned a lot from it and in the end it will be beneficial. However he is still beating himself up sometimes for the marriage dissolving.
- Rob’s hope for Steve is that he can cut that out and to congratulate his courage for healing these deep seated parts of himself.
- We continue to create and orchestrate for ourselves the situations that we need to heal from the past. The opportunity is here to heal and we’re always drawing from the past, healing that piece and then we continue. That’s how we draw in healthier relationships and circumstances.
Find Nancy: You can find her at www.nancylevin.com and you can find links to all her work there, including her books, coaching and private Facebook group.
She does do free group coaching calls, which you can sign up for at www.nancylevin.com/free