089: Taking the Tougher Road

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Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. This week’s show is called Taking The Tougher Road. When looking at your life, your experience, your relationship, your job, there are an infinite amount of roads possible and on some level you know this. Which road do you want to take, the easy or the tough?

Rob tends to take the tougher road and there are pros and cons to this. It’s built his character, it’s gotten him in a lot of situations where he feels he could have done better, but the whole process of taking the tougher road has increased his capacity for service, expansion and life.

Rob recently completed 60 yoga classes in 80 days. It was hard. He was totally exhausted. There were days he was completely sick of the hot air and locker room process. He was relieved when the 80 days was over, but he knew he truly did it. There was total and absolute glee knowing he had the capacity and didn’t take the easy road. Rob has three clear examples of this choice showing up in life lately.

Example 1: The book proposal

After 5 months, Rob is starting to get sick of his book proposal, but it’s 1 month away from the due date. On Monday in a painful hot yoga class, he realized he was not taking the most challenging road around the book proposal. Some part of him knows he’s not taking the road he needs to take. So Rob has decided to do a last minute sprint to build the foundation for book proposal.

There are two parts to a good book proposal: one, write a good proposal of the book content, and two, which is even more important in some cases, is to have a solid platform. Rob has enough compared to others, but has a nagging feeling of taking the easy route and if he doesn’t go for it now, he will always know he could have done more in the final month. Especially if he submits it and it’s not taken, Rob will know inside that he could have gone deeper, farther, another step. So he’s going to spend the extra time, money and effort, because then the deed is done and he’ll know for a fact that he gave everything he possibly could. Rob wants to feel exhausted, gratified, sweaty and well-used, knowing he gave 150% to the things that are important to him.

Where are you taking the easy road? Where are you selling yourself short?

 

Example 2: Working with a Client

Rob has a client he’s been working with for years, who has one issue that is challenging to look at. This client has a great heart, but runs around the edges of this issue, doing whatever he can to avoid it. In a recent session, Rob gave this client the full depth of the experience of Tuff Love around this issue. That’s why people hire Rob, to be real, and this client couldn’t avoid the issue anymore. Going forward now, Rob has offered this client an intense 2 month package, paid in full up front with no refunds. It would be a 4 – 5 hour per week commitment but that is what is needed to address the issue.

The client’s response was to give an excuse and ask for a different option instead. Rob consider it but decided it was cheating them both if he did that. It would be much less work for Rob, and an easier sale, but he picked the tougher road. Rob wrote him back and said it would be a waste of time and money for both of them to go the lesser option. It’s all or nothing in this case. The tougher road was when Rob said to that client, “I will not short change you or me, we’ll take this to the next level or you’re going to find something else.” He might spin for the rest of his life and Rob has to be ok with that. The two months is going to be a lot of work for Rob, and that’s who he wants to be in this world. If Rob doesn’t take a stand for this client, how can he take a stand for himself?

Where in your life is there an choice between acquiescing versus holding firm and saying no?

 

Example 3: Sharing something with Morgan

Two weeks ago in a therapy session, something came out for Rob that has been an issue his entire life: being sneaky. It arose from Rob’s love of sweets and his Mom’s unhappiness around that love of sweets, so he would sneak sweets. He is an adult now, but still has this sneaky trait inside of him. So Rob told Morgan the truth after this session around this sneakiness, and it led to 10 days of mayhem, heated discussions and almost breaking up. Rob could have continued his sneakiness but instead he took the tougher road to reveal this part of himself. The result is now he feels closer to Morgan and is grateful for the experience. It has proven they can both survive each others’ feelings and get to the deepr connection that arises from that.

We all take horrible short cuts, ways of minimizing our feelings and making our partners dumb and minimizing the importance of being straight forward. That’s the affect of not taking the tougher road and taking the easy way.

Are you taking the steps to be honest?

The tougher road is sometimes really subtle. For Rob, it sits and bugs him. He does internal coaching and scans what’s going on to figure out what the thing is, and then addresses it.

The tougher road is always available to you. It might be something that is scary but if you’re not willing to address it and take your life to the next level, it won’t get there by itself.

Rob coaches Tanya, a body work practitioner, who is being faced with some tougher road options right now:

  • Tanya is 23, runs her own business and wants to do that while travelling and pursuing other dreams. She wants to be self-sustained.
  • The 23 year old part is irrelevant. Rob wants to take that out of Tanya’s repertoire of ways to minimize herself. It’s just an excuse.
  • Tanya doesn’t find it challenging running her own business and she doesn’t want it to be a tough road either. Has the idea that it should be challenging because she’s heard it from a lot of places.
  • We think things have to be hard. The tougher road doesn’t have to be harder. It just has to be more huge.
  • The fear of going 100% and what if everything crashes? What 100% looks like for Tanya is to give sessions all over the country, earn enough to go to other continents and not always be giving sessions, and have coaching clients via technology when she’s travelling.
  • Tanya believes in herself once something happens to surprise her and prove that she should have believed in herself. Rob says that’s risky, that looking for external validation.
  • A lot of people will be biased against Tanya’s 23 year old-ness. Her response is that she has the resources and knowledge, and the experience of having helped people successfully. Plus, nobody has to believe in her and she’ll work with the people who do believe in her. But how will she know she has clients if she raises prices and doesn’t convince people to come in?
  • There’s an awful meme in the coaching world where you can charge what you want and expect the clients to come and get the value. Rob thinks this is the ultimate Ponzi scheme. He’s an opponent of a lot of coaches and how they charge because they’re ripping themselves and their clients off.
  • Rob asks, do you authentically know that you can impact change, and what is the authentic price for that value? Tanya does believe in her value, except when she runs into that fear of ‘but what if I’m not sustained?’
  • Tanya doesn’t know her budget. Rob recommends that as her first step.
  • If you want to be your own business owner, you need to know your own budget inside and out. Magical thinking is a dangerous road to take. It’s not the tough road, it’s the easier road.
  • People have a fear around confronting money because they don’t have the skill, they’ve never done it, so they wing it. Rob also coaches people on figuring it out because as a coach, the last think you want to think is, ‘I need this sale to pay the rent.’ Then your attention is on your own foundation, and not on the potential client.
  • Rob describes the difference between having a money project versus a sexy project. The money project is the one that pays your bills, the sexy project turns on your soul. Everyone needs to have a ratio of both. If you put all your energy into one or the other, it has cascading effects.
  • When you know how much money you need, build a money project that takes care of that budget. Your money project doesn’t have to be not fun, or not your purpose. It just means that you’re doing the work to cover your budget.
  • Your sexy project can be something that really turns you on, and somewhere down the line that sexy project might also transform to your money project. When it becomes really easy and just flows, that’s when you know your sexy project has moved into your money project.
  • Step 1 is knowing your money. For the travel, what kind of travel are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Plan out the budget, even a ballpark of the travel. When you know how much your budget is for 6 months, then you have to look at what you need to do to get to that.
  • Life gets more free when you have consciousness about your resources.
  • The easiest way to get sessions in other cities is word of mouth. Contact friends in other states and start planning that out. Do a fun FB live, create a US tour, give value and attract people to want to jump on the tour.
  • It’s okay to ask for help. Tanya says she’s not so good at that, she has a feeling that she should be able to do it herself. She learned that in elementary school.
  • Rob says she can do it all by herself but perhaps the tougher road is learning to ask for help. When you deny asking people for help, you’re actually denying them the ability for them to love you.
  • There are two tougher road aspects for Tanya: the budgeting and asking for help along the way.
  • It’s the business side that Tanya feels she should be doing by herself. Rob acknowledges there are ways that asking for help around business can be annoying and obnoxious, but there’s a point where it is simply giving people the opportunity to give back to you for all the stuff you do for them.
  • Tanya wonders about Rob’s sense of value in himself as a coach. He says in the past he was completely and utterly at the mercy of external validation, especially from women. Somewhere along the line, he realized that was ridiculous and over time he morphed out of it. He has a very strong sense of who he is, and of his value. He does a lot for others and gives a lot for free also, which feels good. And now his self-value fluctuates very little.
  • Enjoy the ride of finding that. Don’t rush it. Rob says she is a lot braver than he was at 23 but doesn’t have to wait until 47 to find that self-awareness.
  • Start with a viewpoint and build up the muscle around it. Self-esteem is built on esteemable acts. Rob makes a lot of decisions that are the higher road, which builds it.
  • Celebrate your miscues and “mistakes” because they’re going to shape you into who you are.

Remember to go to TuffLove.live/unhidden to find the IndiGoGo sprint for the book proposal.