093: Men’s Vulnerability vs. Control w/ Christopher Hoffman

In Guest Star, Podcast, Relationship by Robert KandellLeave a Comment

Share Share on FacebookPin on PinterestShare on LinkedInTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someone

Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. It’s been an exciting few week as Rob finished the book proposal, finished the Indiegogo campaign at 110% of the goal, and sent the book proposal off to Hay House! In the process of writing the book, Rob’s been reading as many books as possible to learn as much as possible from competitors. One book he read was Heart In Gear: An Engineer’s Erotic Journey to Freedom by Chris Hoffman. The concept is a geek who discovers his freedom through an erotic journey. Rob really enjoyed the book, and then a few weeks later they met and became fast friends. Chris is the guest on the show today.

As author, innovator and provocateur, Chris Hoffmann has appeared on network television programs such as The Today Show, Discovery Channel and the TEDx Stage. Chris’s life is defined by innovation and entrepreneurship in harmony with erotic expression and awakening. After 20 years as an automotive engineer, he gave it up to follow his globally positioned one-wheeled personal transportation startup RYNO Motors. Currently Chris is focused on writing and speaking to diverse audiences around the world on his main passions: innovations, advocating for erotic awareness and the courage to be vulnerable.

Rob and Chris discuss the idea and development of the one-wheeled motorcycle:

  • Chris got the idea from something his daughter saw in a video game. He did some research on the Internet, took a machine shop class and put it together.
  • Chris was obsessed by the thing. As an inventor, he’s done the “I’m going to be a millionaire” dance a bunch of times, so he now approaches things with the mentality of ‘What’s going to stop me from doing this? How do I kill this idea as soon as possible without putting 6 months into it and finding that something’s going to stop me?”
  • He’d rather kill and idea on a technicality, as opposed to overthinking it or talking himself out of it because it’s too complicated or thinking “I’m not courageous enough.” However, he ended up with a prototype.
  • He ended up having a bike accident. He was riding the RYNO around the neighborhood and at 14 miles an hour the gyro came undone. Chris hit the ground in a face plant and broke his jaw in 2 places. It was a humbling experience.

Rob and Chris then discuss the erotic journey Chris went on:

  • Rob highly recommends you read this book, it’s very easy to read, and inspiring on many levels.
  • The top three things Chris learned from this journey were actually getting clear on what his Dad’s deal was, the strategies Chris uses to make up for how insecure he was, and realizing how much he wanted to control everything.
  • As he started writing about his father Chris realized that initially he thought his father was emotionally unavailable but actually he was sitting in a seething rage. It’s not that he was intentionally avoiding or not caring about Chris, it was all he could do to acknowledge he was there.
  • Chris says that engineers are kind of unique. Once you figure out how to build shit that coins out money, you don’t have to become emotionally available to anybody. Engineers get really comfortable with their value. As an engineer, once you get good at creating value, you can sit back and expect everybody else to entertain you.
  • Men’s vulnerability is the power, the thing that’s missing.
  • Rob says a lot of men feel like if he’s providing the money, the house, the stability, that’s the job, that’s it. However, you need to step up and go beyond that to be a complete man.
  • There’s a big difference between asking people to do things for you, and making offers. Making an unattached offer is leadership. The first one is simply outsourcing the choice to somebody else and if they say yes, they have to generate something. The lotus of responsibility of your request is on the other person. Leadership is creating the container, making the request and facing the rejection.
  • The advantage for a woman in the 2nd situation is creating an offer she can respond to. If you create a clear offer that somebody can respond to, all they have to do is say yes and step forward, they don’t have to do anything.
  • Until you create an unattached offer and shut up and allow them to make their own choice, you don’t know your leadership. You’re not in your vulnerability.
  • Men are stuck in a system where women are oppressed, and males share their privilege. It’s so subtle, men don’t realize they’re in it, but a big part of what Chris talks about is we have to recognize the patriarchy we’re stuck in before we can get out of it.
  • Most men have a level of bravado that they put that on top of their insecurity. We all have demons in our basement. We all have things that we don’t want anybody to really know, we’re embarrassed about, we feel sad, we feel insecure about stuff.
  • Chris’s overarching theme is a deep feeling of sadness. He finally realized he can speak from that feeling of sadness, share his experience, and start managing his need to be validated all the time, by people to calm my anxious feelings.
  • What’s in our basement are not demons, they’re orphaned children who have been handed down through all the multi-generations that nobody ever dealt with and all they want to do is be seen.
  • “Man Up. Don’t be a pussy. Don’t cry.” All these messages are hammered into boys since they were young. These are the orphaned children, created by a society that says those emotions aren’t right, you must hide that or you will be ridiculed.
  • We all game ourselves on how intense or effective our strategies are that mask our true selves.
  • The erotic journey showed up for Chris in a number of ways. He was dating this woman and kept telling her these stories and she observed that he was telling one particular story in a way that blew straight past the nugget of transformation.
  • Exploring that, Chris realized he’s always the one driving and trying to validate his existence, but never let somebody else have their erotic expression. Surrendering to a big male energy is what it took for him to have that encounter with himself and a deep appreciation for what women go through. That’s an important story to share with men.
  • Rob’s terminology for that is surrender, it is surrendering to another man’s energy. It required releasing all the connotation of another man sucking your cock, the years and years of messages saying ‘you’re xyz because of this happening’. Allowing that is a powerful experience.

Rob and Chris coach Elizabeth, who is curious about the concept of surrender and knowing what she wants enough to make direct requests.

  • The surrender parts comes in a feeling of being comfortable with the ambiguity of life. It’s being comfortable with not having any attachment to the offer that one is making. Chris sees everything as an opportunity. It’s not an obstacle he’s trying to get around or manipulate somehow.
  • When you approach somebody you could say ‘hey nice weather’ or ‘I like your dress’ or you can say, ‘Hey, can I have 5 minutes of your time? I think I might enjoy talking to you.’ It’s a totally different feeling.
  • Making such a clear offer, you hand somebody the keys and they know they could laugh at you, it’s truly empowering for somebody and they trust you for having the courage to make it that clean.
  • Elizabeth had an experience this morning where she really didn’t know what she wanted. In bed with her lover, the question was, “do we stay in bed and make love or get up?” He asked, “What do you want?” but Elizabeth didn’t know. He had to make the decision. He shared that her body was telling him something, meanwhile her head was saying ‘I don’t know.’
  • The conflict between body and head is a pretty common thing. We are driven by many forces inside of us. There’s often the argument of the head, the heart, the genitals, the soul. It’s what makes us complex human beings we are.
  • When people collaborate too much on trying to figure out what they want to do, what it’s doing is outsourcing the responsibility of whether it’s going to suck or not. Nobody wants to call it because if it sucks they don’t want to own it. But the problem is if it rocks, nobody can claim it.
  • Chris’s approach is to ask, “Are you in a big energy mood or a quiet mood?” Get some data. Then create the structures so that the woman can animate because her heart is open.
  • Elizabeth had to get to a point in her life where she could surrender to that. Now she wants that, she wants him to do the planning, so she can just be. She says, “Frame something up that is actually a clear offer and invitation that I can say yes or no to.”
  • Rob says the Tinder revolution has really changed the way people are not willing to make commitments. People are less willing to commit, more interested in quantity than quality.
  • You have to kind of work through a woman’s resistance to having, which a lot of guys aren’t willing to do. And the other side of it is, instead of bailing or flailing or wussing out, ask for a solid no. That’s leadership.
  • The vulnerability to open yourself up to be influenced by women, was a new thing for Chris. In his marriage, they had a project manager kind of relationship, they got a lot done, the dog was great, the house was great, but it wasn’t sexy because they didn’t really want to reveal themselves to each other.
  • Now he asks, “How do I create an environment where we can both just be who we are?…The way that I love my partner isn’t my attachment to what I need from them, it’s to create an environment where they can be themselves.”
  • The underlying thing for men is to build up their self-esteem, and their self-validation. We’re taught as boys and young men and old men that we set our value based on our external validation. To go back to the engineer example, to set value based on how much we can produce.
  • That puts a lot on a woman, to say ‘you need to constantly reinforce my value by you giving me the kudos,’ which women are trained to do but don’t necessarily like to do. For a man to step in and say ‘I love myself, I am so integrated in myself and I feel so solid that we can co-create an environment where both of us can be ourselves’ that is the optimized form of relationship.
  • When a dude isn’t really conscious of his need to be validated, that’s how people manipulate him. When you have this open need to be validated, people feed you candy and lead you off in all other kinds of directions. It’s the exposure to being manipulated that doesn’t feel safe.
  • When you finally find your own sense of individuation, and own sense of self-worth, you just don’t need to be validated by the outside world and then kind of feel safer because you’re being true to yourself.
  • The way to define vulnerability is saying something while being yourself while you risk not getting what you want. By being true to yourself you may not get what you want.

Where to find Chris

You can find Chris at www.heartingear.com or get his book on Amazon
You can find more about the one-wheeled motorcycle at www.rynomotors.com