We’re all a bunch of stinking, little liars. It’s forcing intimacy and connection to decrease greatly because our potential partners are judging us on a facade. Most people want to tell the truth, but the other person does a really shitty job of receiving it and punishes us for telling the truth, which is just awful. We’re afraid of the whiny repercussions that happened from our partners once we tell the truth. And in doing so, we’re living in facade related to facade, people not connecting – and that’s simply absurd. So if it’s something pretty heavy (and truth moments tend to be), the best thing you could do is be honest with your feelings inside about how that affected you. Really allow yourself to what arises when you feel that. The cancer comes when you don’t feel your own feelings, and that’s the truth.
We’re here to talk about the issues, things that matter, how to have more in your life, more connection, more intimacy, more sex, more fun. This show is the foundation of it all. It’s the truth and this concept of the truth moment. Those little things inside of us we don’t feel comfortable saying. Those little parts of ourselves to connect or shy, we’re trying to look good. We’re trying to avoid punishment and we’d lie and we lie poorly, and the effect of lying is detrimental to all aspects of our life. This show, I create a game for you called truth moment. #TruthMoment is a way to connect to your partners in a game-like fashion, to tell the truth, to reveal it, and then have space for that to land and connect. Listen to the show on the details of how to play that game. We then have some speed coaching with people on the line. I go one by one and we’ve diagnosed little places where people can tell more truth. For more shows, please visit us at TuffLove.live.
Listen to the podcast here:
It’s truth moment day. Talking about what matters, talking about the issues, talking about what’s up. Usually, I don’t talk politics because it’s annoying. Let’s talk about this election for a second. Just for a brief moment so then we can go onto our topic. Morgan shaking her head, she’s like, “Fuck that shit. Haven’t we heard enough?” I want to say personally that this election definitely did affect me more than normal. There was something about this whole experience where I felt triggered by it. I was up real late. Watching those numbers, the depressing feeling and in the end, I’ve been reading my Facebook feed. A lot of people are shocked, angry, scared and I want to validate all those feelings because I think it’s important.
On the flip side, I want to give you my personal view and Morgan and I talked about this quite a bit. How this is a communication, this is a message and this is an opportunity. People, I want to respect your desire to go back and take care of yourself and face that. I also want to give a shout out to the possibility that this is important for us in society. I wrote an article about the concept of The Rise of the Feminine and how this election was a fight of the masculine to hold the feminine down. I truly believe that’s totally true. The mask then rose up in terms of sphere and fear of wanting to enclose and keep the world in his place. This fight had a lot to do with the masculine feminine side as much as Hillary versus Donald.
What happened was the masculine one. Why that’s important to acknowledge. I don’t think that feminine is going anywhere. In fact, the feminine is going to keep expanding, rising and growing. From that, it’s on us to accept the facts of what is, stay true to ourselves. Keep going in our practices, keep going in the place of us believing in the universe and expanding that and found that universal change can happen. I don’t think universal change is going to happen unless we put our best step forward and we keep fighting the good fight. Important piece of holding onto the important things in life which is relationship, community, connection, and being true to ourselves. End of rant on elections. Free from to the point.
Now let’s get onto the menu du jour, which is around the concept of truth moment. I’ve talked about this on show many times. I’ve talked about this in practice. My basic viewpoint is that we’re all a bunch of liars. We’re all a bunch of stinking, little liars. We’d lie. We are bad liars. We are bad liars because we know we’re lying and we still do it. The effect of that is that intimacy and connection decreases greatly because we’re not telling the truth. When we lie, we present a part of ourselves that’s not true. When we lie and someone accepts it, when someone sees it, then they start to judge who we are based on our lies. Then we know they’re judging us on the facade we’ve created, which means we trust them less.
This is my teaching platform. I work on this, as I work on my speaking career, I work on my writing, it’s about telling the truth. It’s not about just telling the truth, it’s about creating relationships and connections where your partner can receive the truth, which is half the equation. Most people want to tell the truth, but the other person does a shitty job of receiving it and punishes us for telling the truth, which is awful. How much we want to say, we want this or I believe this, and then we’re just fear of the fucking whiny repercussions that happened from our partners once we tell the truth. In doing so, we’re living in façade, related to facade, people not connecting and that’s absurd to me.
It’s crazy to me that we live in a world where you can’t honestly be your truth. This concept of the truth moment is a new game. It’s a takeoff of a few other games I’ve learned in my life. We’re going to create a little container so you can have more truth with your friendships and your partners, your loved ones, bosses, your employees, your garbage man, your parents, your dogs. The point is we want to create a circumstance so you can tell the truth more. This is a game that I’ve created and we’ll see how it works. You’re going to get the chance to be part of the truth moment, Tuff Love game. We’re going to three minutes speed rounds. I’m going to ask you to participate and I’m going to go down the line and say, “Do you have a truth moment? Do you want to get some coaching around it? Do you want to play the game?” We’ll go as fast as we can in about three minutes each. Hopefully it gets some great training in terms of how to tell the truth.
The power of the truth. It’s everywhere. I’m going to a business group, and I’m going to talk to eight CEOs. I got invited, there’s this group called Vistage. My good friend, Christina, who I’m grateful, I get to go play with communication with CEOs. I’m not going to give you the details of what’s going on for them, that would be a serious breach of confidentiality. I can say that everyone from a CEO to my coaches to people on the street, really have a problem telling the truth. From that, the effect is enormous in all aspects of your life. Your ability to connect, learn and how to tell the truth can enhance your business, can enhance your person out. This enhances has all aspects of your life.
I’m redoing my website and everything is about the truth. Everything is about this concept of how to bring that part of you that’s inside and bring that out. Here’s the reason that I was taught why people lie. People lie for two distinct reasons. The first reason is that we want to look good. The second reason we lie is we want to avoid punishment. These are the two main goals of lying and we all know we’ve done it hundreds and thousands of times. You might have already done it today. You want to avoid punishment, you want to look good, and so you lie. These lies can be tiny little baby lies to really big lies. What happens is when we lie and we try to look good, we again create that façade that’s not true.
The first thing is to stop and look at yourself and say, “What’s your main motivation for lying?” Do you want to hide this part of yourself from your partner? Do you not want your boss to know that you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing? Do you not want to tell your mom around your sexuality, your desires or what you do? What parts of yourself are inside of you that you hold back? Do you think they can’t handle it? Do you think that if your boss knew that you were a kinky person that might affect things? It might, and I’m not saying go tell that person anything. I’m saying, look at your motivations for lying because most of us are in this mindless, unconscious lying. We do it without even thinking. It’s second nature. Something arises in the stimuli and all of a sudden, we directly lie. It’s like this automatic response. We’re not even thinking about how much we lie because it’s ingrained into our personalities.
Take a moment and look at what is your motivation for lying? What’s underneath it? What are you protecting? Odds are you’re protecting something tender and sweet. You’re protecting this part of yourself that you don’t have the faith in, no one ever believed in or no one ever said, “That’s right. That’s the right thing.” We’re reading this book about how to be better parents, Morgan’s reading it, and she’s sharing these ideas with me. She had this great thing she brought to me this morning. She said, “One of the ideal ways to raise a child is to coach them, not control them,” which I’ve been thinking about it all morning and I was like, “We should do that in relationships.” In raising kids, that’s a great idea. How often are we trying to control our partners? How often do we control our partners to keep them in small little boxes, forcing them to lie? The concept of coaching and being there and approving and loving will have that person tell the truth. Don’t you want to know who your partners are? Don’t you want to know what’s inside of them? What’s that juicy part of themselves? It’s like creating a space to tell the truth.
We came up with this game. Let me tell the story about how this happened. We were taking a trip. It was just coming on and I was in a place where I was still conscious, lucid and myself. I was thinking about this woman in Santa Cruz who I had a crush on. It’s a Facebook crush. I don’t know if I ever talked to her my entire life. I like her stuff, she likes my stuff. I always thought she was cute and look at her pictures. I was sitting there thinking, “This woman is never in our lifetime’s going to know that I have a crush on her.” There’s just no possible way. When the trip ended and I was lucid and thought about it, I sent her a note. I said, “I had this moment of flash. I’m not expecting anything. I have a Facebook crush on you and I wanted you to know.”
We had this dialogue back and forth and the first thing she said was beautiful. She said, “Thank you for telling me. I feel somewhat attractive. No one ever hits on me. No one ever flirts with me.” It was it was rewarding. She was not interested in my advances, but our friendship got built from that one tiny moment, that truth moment, that one place where I thought, “I cannot tell this complete stranger that I have a Facebook crush on her, but fuck it, I’m going to do it anyway.” What happened was I lift someone up who doesn’t feel attractive and who felt grateful and I felt good. I felt turned on, energized and I was telling Morgan about it. This feeling of this raw, intense truth that we don’t ever do.
That’s where the concept of truth moment came from. I also want to give credit where credit’s due. More University came up with this thing called withholds, which I learned in the beginning of my career. You sit from across the person and we’re playing games. They’re also called intimacies. It’s revealing this truth. This concept is based on those learnings which I thought were powerful and I miss in my life. Now, intimacies and withholds we’re often used a slightly conniving way. This truth moment is the purest. It’s an ability to say this truth inside of me that’s outside and bring it out so I can have that person say this feeling and then get connected. Let’s come up with a format.
What is the format for the truth moment? Here’s the first important thing. You must have an agreement on this format or the game before you play it. Do not go to your mom, truth moment. Do not do that. That is illegal. That is an illegal move in the game. You must have agreement in the game. You must say, “I heard this crazy coach on TuffLove.live. He’s a little insane but funny. He said this game about truth moment and here’s the way we play it and do you want to play?” That person can say yes or no, but do not play truth moment until you have agreement that both of you are playing in the game. If you do and things go haywire, don’t blame. I told you, you have to get agreement.
The first thing is to explain the game. The game is not hard and I’ll put the instructions on the little Facebook of my little blog so it’s clear but it’s not that hard. You have to say this is the game. The first thing to explain the game, you get agreement and then you must make a time limit for the extent of the game. What I mean by that is let’s play truth moment for an hour. Let’s play truth moment for a day. Let’s play truth moment for a week. Let’s play truth moment for a month. The concept is you don’t want this to be open. You could play this for a lifetime. If you have an agreement, like Morgan and I have been playing this for the lifetime because I know she’s in a truth moment and she’s going to share this stuff with me. Get agreement on the time limit, that way there’s more power inside of it.
Let’s play truth moment. When one person has a truth that they want to say, they go the other person via text, phone or in person. “Truth moment?” It could be one word, it can be word in the text message, it could be one word in conversation. I think face to face is the best, but you know the world we live in. We’re more connected via the phone than we are by in person more of the time. I spent more time talking to Morgan on the phone than I do in real person, for various reasons. If you have to be a text, so it is. We’ll accept that.
You send the question, you send the query, “Truth moment?” and then they say yes or no. If they say no and if you’re receiving one you say no, that might be an important thing to do. You might be in the middle of an interview. You might be in the middle of the business meeting. You might be about to see a patient. You might go to see your mom. You don’t want this truth moment in your head because you’d be thinking about it but you don’t want the rawness of it. No is a perfectly acceptable answer when you’re a player, the other player in the game says truth moment. Know that that is a probability. If they say yes, then as quickly as possible, deliver the truth moment. As quickly as possible.
That might mean writing the text out first before you ask truth moment. If you have the 2,000-word truth moment to deliver and that other person’s on the other side waiting. The little dots showing up on your phone that it’s coming, it’s the most annoying thing ever. If you have a truth moment, you need to deliver a truth moment as soon as possible. In person, obviously have your thought before but if you’re texting. Morgan did a truth moment the other day, and she says, “Truth moment.” I’m like, “Yes. Let’s bring it.” I was nervous. I was doing a little dialogue in my head, “Where did I fuck up? Did I not clean the dishes again? Did I leave the toilet seat up? Did I fart in bed?”
I was thinking these things, like what is the truth moment? She delivered one that was about me at all and it was totally sweet. That time in between truth moment and delivery will be an anxious time for the person receiving it. Be kind and if possible, write that thing up ahead of time. You don’t have to but see if you can. Truth moment, yes or no. If they say yes, you deliver it. The person receiving it just says, “Thank you,” and then the clock starts. The person receiving it cannot respond to the truth moment for a minimum of 30 minutes. This is not a game of tennis. This is not a back and forth. When you send your truth moment, “I thought you were an asshole,” “When you responded to my truth moment of saying I was an asshole, I thought you were a dick.” This is not a tennis match. This is a delivery of the truth, our reception of the truth, and then a time to think about it. In that time, really ponder. This is the missing piece often in truthful moments. Is that one person delivers the truth. Our ego rises up to protect something; I’m not even sure what it is and then doing so you fight back and you’re fighting the messenger. You’re not even listening to the truth. You’re quick to beat up the person delivering it, that you missed the beauty, which of course creates unsafety. Which goes back to our original dialogue which says, “You can’t tell the truth to your partner,” which sucks? When you received the truth moment, a minimum of 30 minutes before you respond.
Let’s go over the game again. I’m going to bring people on the line. We’re going to play with Tuff Love and Morgan’s going first; hopefully it won’t be about me. We’re going to bring her on the line. We’re going to talk about her truth moment and coach her on how to make this as powerful as possible. Rachel’s probably after her and then Ben and then Elvis. We’re going to go to the phones and coach you on that. We’ll review again. Truth moment, here are the rules. Number one, explain the game. Get agreement from the person you want to play the game with.
You say, “This is the game, I want to play it.” Second, set a time limit. One day, one week, lifetime, whatever but set a time limit on the extent of the truth. You can set it up again afterwards but don’t make this unclear. When one person has something to say, a truth moment, they ask a simple question, “Truth moment?” via text, in person or over the phone. The person says, “Yes” or “No.” You deliver the truth moment as quickly and efficiently as specifically as possible. The person then says, “Thank you,” and then there’s 30 minutes of digestion time. Simple? Very cool.
We’re going to go to Morgan. We’re going to coach her about how to do a truth moment. Hello, my love. How’s it going?
Tell me what’s your truth moment? How do you need help with that? You’ve got three minutes. Go.
What can I tell you? A truth moment?
Yes. The listeners are going yes.
My truth moment for you is I would love if you wash your hands when you come in the house before you do anything else. That’s all.
Is that okay?
That’s awesome. Can we diagnose that a little bit for our audience?
Obviously, you would not do this in the normal truth moment, but let’s play with it. Obviously, you and I co-created this game so you’re good at it. Why do you feel you needed the truth moment to say that? What was your feelings around it?
I don’t want you to feel like I’m nagging you.
No nagging. That’s great. Anything else?
I don’t want to offend you.
That’s good. Have you ever tried that to people in the past before and has it worked out as well?
This is a simple little thing. I’m getting educated about what’s important to Morgan. This is what relationships about. She’s figuring out what’s important for me. These are just the simple things that for some reason we don’t tell the truth about. It seems trivial; of course, I’ll add this to my repertoire of putting the toilet seat down, turning off the faucet and checking the spoons as I pulled them from the dishwasher. It’s the little things, but these little things that really affect relationship and it’s strange. It’s these little things that stop you from having the intimacy that you want. Thank you, Morgan. These are the things that you want to think about. What are these little things in your relationship that’s stopping you from having what you want? We’ll go to Ben next. Hello. Ben.
I had a coaching session recently where my client was running a bunch of stuff. I wanted to say, “It feels like you’re just spinning here and we’re not going anywhere and I don’t buy this.”
That’s an important thing as a coach obviously is to speak the truth and be real. What was your fear? What was your fear around telling him or her the truth?
I was afraid that I was wrong. I was unsure if it was a spot of fear and that I would be stomping on something that he cared about.
Do you know that you can say this? You can tell the truth to anyone about anything. If you add your approval, your intention, and you set your words up to be connected rather than disconnected. In this particular instance, you could say something like, “I’m having this feeling. I want to reflect back to you what I’m hearing. It feels like you’re running a story and I want to investigate that.” On some level, that’s your job.
It’s absolutely my job. Exactly.
It’s your job to get in there and speak the truth. In a coaching session you don’t want to play the game of truth moment. You don’t want the 30 minutes of no conversation topic, which would fuck up, though it would make our sessions much shorter. I had a friend of mine that said enlightenment was walking up to a person, slap him across the face and say, “Get over it,” but we know quite doesn’t quite work in our industry anymore. My point is that your desire to reflect and for him to feel your approval could be the life because people want the truth. They are dying for the truth. No one saying the truth and that’s your fucking job just to say, “I think you’re running a story.”
Thanks for playing. I like to speed rounds. Let’s go to Elvis. Elvis and Joe.
How’s it going?
Good. How’s it going?
Good. Mine is around being real honest to my daughter in the morning. In the time it takes me to make breakfast and make her dinner for school and stuff like that. She can normally completely destroy the house. Destroy me, probably destroy Joe at the same time. She still gets time to watch cartoons and still gets time to do things. Every moment in the car now on the way to school I just have my time, my truth moment time with her. I feel I’m making a bit of ground.
What’s your fear of telling her the truth? Children are different but tell me what’s your fear of telling the truth?
It feels like there’s so much stuff that it feels like that constant nagging parent of the so many things. When did you start like this? The whole house has just been turned upside down and again. It’s trying to take it easy and trying to make it so that it’s not nagging and she’s actually hearing it and listening to it.
This is an awesome one. I can tell you something my therapist said to me because I had the same issue with Morgan’s kids. I’m learning to co-parent. Focus on learning to co-parent. First of all, parents are ridiculous. This is insanity. I never thought this was as hard as it is. It’s fucking crazy. Shout out to the parents, shout out to you for surviving mayhem of children. I don’t even know how people do it. Anyway, my therapist said to me that kids are narcissistic. It’s healthy for them to be narcissistic. You want them to self-evolve into their desires. How old is your daughter again?
Our kids are six and eight and they are ridiculous in terms of their own desires. I watched the little one like, “TV,” “I’m sorry it’s not time for TV, it’s time to go to bed.” As you watch seventeen hours say, “TV, I love it.” She’s like Godzilla, knocking over and tearing walls down. The point is you have to set the boundaries and it sounds like you’re doing that. All I can do is just remind you that kids are crazy narcissistic and you just have to hold the boundaries stronger.
Yes. Joe is next to me here if you want Joe.
Hi. Mine’s probably the same. Daughter-related. You mentioned that kids are narcissistic. That’s pinpointed my main issue with it because having lived with the narcissist, a grown narcissist, I’m constantly getting triggered.
I lived with a lot of narcissists, a lot of them. They’re all grown up and I feel the same thing. I say to Morgan, “If I said to my mom what I’d say to you, I would have got hit above the head. I would have been slapped across the head.” I grew up in the ‘70s when hitting kids was a lot more acceptable. The point is we have to deal with our own viewpoints about what’s true or what’s not and then understand that they’re separate human beings with their own viewpoints and kids. Kids are narcissistic. It’s just the strongest thing to feel.
It’s that thing of trying to give them more of a say in their own life. The ‘70s it was do as you’re told. Whereas we’re trying to give more of a say in their own life, but it’s the boundaries is the word you use and that’s exactly it. That’s the thing for me is setting strong boundaries.
I’m learning this all from Morgan, step by step parenting. It’s new. You come closer to your child when they’re acting out. As adults, when someone’s lining as an adult, I tend to move away. What this itching is you go in closer and a kid’s acting out, it’s a cry for attention. Which I think goes to your partner when your partner is acting out or being an asshole or being a bitch. That’s crying for attention. Don’t go away. Go closer towards them and then you have to help him haul high horse so you’re being an asshole to the kid or to an adult to like, “What do you need now? I’m here. How do I best serve you?”
It’s the truth moment whether earlier about homework because it’s every day it’s a battle to get the homework done. What could take 40 minutes takes two hours. I said to her, afterwards, I said, “What are we going to do about your homework? How can we approach this? Come think about it? What’s going to make it work for you?” Because it’s not working. That was my truth moments to tell her, “This isn’t working. We need to find a way to make it work. Come to think about it.
Thank you so much for playing.
Mark, you’re up. Want to play?
Fair enough. My truth moment is I’m disappointed. Say thank you.
I’m reconsidering but I don’t have a truth moment. That’s why I’m a no.
I’ll come back to you if you want to. Thank you. Andrew Garcia. Hello sir.
You’re good. Truth moments?
I have a lot of truth moments with my partner at the time and I don’t think they turned out so well because we don’t have the 30 minutes of silence in between processing in between it before we say something. There are a lot of charts between either of us. It’s interesting.
What do you think about the game? Can you critique my game for me and help me make it better?
No, I think your game is amazing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s an interesting way to come back with a new way of needing to say things to one another and allowing a healthy amount of time to have clarity to say things from your center and from your higher self versus from reaction. Getting from that trigger because I feel sometimes if things were said to me in a truth moment it’s like, “Got to get defensive, defend myself. I’m a good person.” Say something in defense instead of letting it land and being like, “I really have nothing to say or I can add something here.”
Good. Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate it.
Steve Wells, you’re up. Have a truth moment?
It’s an interesting one. What message do you get doing something similar called revelations for about a year now? When I share them its share how I feel about that so I state the action of someone and the feeling that I had from it. The ones I’ve spent yesterday up in my mum’s telling her where I am and what I’ve been doing and how I know you and all that kind of stuff. The first thing I said within it was, “I’m responsible for me. If you don’t want to hear this stuff, you need to be responsible for yourself and tell me.” That is a scene I’ve had for the last year or so where I introduce, it’s not the same game, but I do introduce honesty to people. When I’m talking to potential clients, this is how I’m going to work. If you’re not happy with that, tell me and we won’t work together.
What I’m hearing is you did set the container for the game and to get her agreement for it.
No, I said, “I wanted to come up and spend some time talking to her,” and when I got there, the first thing is, “I’m happy I’m in a happy place and I want to share that with you. If you don’t want to hear it, fine.” No, this is coming from a place of being happy. We had a good talk about all these weird and wonderful things in the last four years.
That’s beautiful. Congratulations. That’s huge to tell the truth to your parents. That’s an ongoing task with me and my parents is to reveal more parts of myself. My mom, who listens to this every week, has been receptive and has some questions and asked her questions and then from that there’s been a lot more connection from it. I’m a big fan of it. Thank you so much. Rachel, hello.
Hello, what’s your truth?
I have a truth for my mom. When you said there were the two reasons for lying, I was thinking mine is neither of those. I’ve been lying to “protect” her, but I guess that’s my overlying reason for really protecting myself from I don’t want to feel her disappointment or feel like she has shame.
That’s a degree of looking good and avoiding punishment. It’s a little bit of both. What truth do you want to tell her?
I’ve been lying to her and I want to tell her that I’ve been lying and how I’ve been trying to cover it up. Your name is perfect for that but there’s still that fear of outing myself.
Fear never goes away. Morgan just told me about Washington and that’s a little bit nervous.
It also has to deal with money. That adds a whole another layer on top of it.
Completely. Totally. Go for it. Let us know how it goes.
Thanks for playing. We’ll do one or two more. I’ve got JJ.
This is JJ Aaron. I was curious if there are any activities that are considered more beneficial that you do during the 30 minutes break after hearing the truth?
It depends on the truth. Morgan, my partner saying to me wash my hands. There’s not a lot. Yes, I will pick it up as a practice. It’s not very deep but it can have some serious truth moments. There was a time my first wife told me she had cheated on me and that was a pretty heavy thing for me. I’m actually pretty progressive views on non-monogamy even at that time, but it was a pretty intense moment. I remember specifically saying I need some time to think about this. I walked around the house, I did the dishes, I sat with it and I gathered my viewpoints around it. If it’s something pretty heavy, and truth moments tend to be, the best thing you could do is be honest with your feelings inside about how that affected you.
Allow yourself to what arises when you feel that. The cancer comes when you don’t feel your own feelings. There’s a lot on my Facebook feed or on the selection about the rage women are feeling and the fear that women are feeling. A lot of women are saying, “I’m just going to feel rageful.” I’m like, “That is awesome.” Sit, meditate, sometimes you want to do the dishes or something simple. Don’t watch TV, don’t drink. Really just sit and allow the things inside of you to feel. Any truth moments you want help with?
Thank you so much for playing and be on the show.
I’m grateful that you’re here. Go forth, be free. Speak the truth, play the game, explain the game before you play the game, please. If you get some nooky, think fondly of us because we’ll be thinking fondly of you. For more shows, please visit TuffLove.live. If you’d like to make a donation, we take them, PayPal.me/KandellConsulting. Always grateful for you to have the support of the show. Thanks so much.