What’s the motivation for fear? More often than not, we tend to value our own pedantic, self-centered viewpoints in life. If you bully someone out of their fear, guess what? They might take a step out of their fear just to please you, but step right back and that fear resurfaces. It’s a Band-Aid on top of the situation. You’re going to have to actually let go of your viewpoints, let go of what you think he or she should do and actually sit in to their world and be willing to share the experience. So if you actually want to help someone through their fear, be willing to say, I’m going to walk with you through this process. You’re going out of your comfort zone into proactive, desire-based business.
This show is around the concept of fear and how it limits us, and the concept is that one unit of fear equals, equates, leads to ten units of life. If you had the ability to move through your fear, confront it, look at the motivations and then end up in this life, you’ll have much more capacity. You have ten times the amount of capacity if you can move through your fear. We then migrate over to France where my good friend, JB, we talked about his fear, his overwhelm. What’s stopping him from living the exact life he wants? The concept of how it needs to change his viewpoints around business in order to potentialize and leverage his business. For more shows, please visit us at TuffLove.Live.
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One Unit of Fear
I am totally exhausted. I had four days in San Francisco. Amazing trip of helping three different organizations, bring the idea, truthful communication and helping. It was a pretty magical trip. Here we are Tuff Love. No matter what, Tuff Love will show up, even when we’re down. This show is called One Unit of Fear and it started off with a conversation I had with one of my coaching clients. He said to me, “I feel overwhelmed,” when I gave him an assignment to go out and be alive. I got the hint and I said, “You’re overwhelmed by your fear that if we could identify, move through, feel through your fear and get back to you into life, one unit of fear equals ten units of life.” In other words, you could live ten units of life if we moved through one unit of fear. This concept hit me. I was like, “That was pretty awesome.” That’s a pretty cool thing. I decided to do the show on it because it is in this time of where there’s an excessive amount of fear going on in the world today after the election. All over the world, there’s a new level of fear. Talking to Morgan about leaving the country and concepts about that, that’s not an original thought. I’ve seen that for months.
If Trump becomes president, I’m going to leave the country. I can feel the understanding behind that. There are all this future planning, thoughts and fears. The first thing I want to say is your fear is right. If you are fearful about something, it’s the right thing to have. I’m not here to diminish your fear. I’m not here to say that you shouldn’t feel these feelings. I’m not here to judge you or say do anything differently. Just get over it and deal with it. I don’t think that’s true either. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to do it. Fear has arisen for a reason. There’s a message your body’s telling you. There’s something you need to look at if you’re feeling in fear. When I go fearful, which doesn’t happen a lot, I look at it as my body is saying, my mind saying, the world’s telling me, pay more attention. Pay more attention because it’s important for me to notice what’s going on in the world.
This concept of fear of though stagnates and holds people. I see this time and time again in coaching is that people get stuck in the fear, don’t know that they’re stuck in the fear and then don’t move. Guess what happens when you’re stuck in fear and you don’t move? The fear increases. It’s like multiplying, it’s like rabbits. All of a sudden it’s like you have more fear. What happens is you get stuck. It becomes even more insurmountable. It feels you can’t even bypass the next piece because you’re stuck in your fear. This concept is if you are able to go through one unit of fear, you can have ten units of life and there is a way where if you can migrate that, then the whole life will open up. This is the concept I want to get across and give you some tips and trips of how to move past your fear. The first thing is to acknowledge it and not ignore it. If you don’t confront your fear, you’re match to it. It’s going to come back. It’s going to come back and multiply. It’s not like you can ignore your fear. You put that bad piece of fish on the counter somewhere. That fish is going to smell really bad, really quick. It’s not about ignoring it. It’s about confronting it.
The twelve step program has the acronym F.E.A.R. I believe it’s from twelve steps. It’s False Evidence Appearing Real. This thing that arises inside of you and you totally believe it. I know what that feels because I’ve been in some situations where I’m like, “My business is going down,” or this relationship is ending. There’s moments of I truly believe, not you Morgan, don’t worry, in the past, other women, of course. I believe this is going to happen. This seems real to me. In that fear, you get stuck and then you think about the ramifications. The first thing is to confront. The second thing is to look at how real the fear is. To confront how true are your thoughts? Sometimes you need help to move past it. Sometimes you need one extra step to go beyond your own brain because it’s hard to see without that mirror.
I was in this presentation to seven CEOs. Really amazing experience. I realized that their fear about aspects of their business is the same thing as some of the people I coach about their relationships. It’s the same thing. They’ve pulled in, they believe that this is going to happen X, Y, and Z. I saw this one guy, beautiful man, vulnerably share, and he says, “I know what to do in my head, but what’s underneath it, this other part of my body? This fear of being liked, this fear of being respected, this fear of abandonment, of my employees leaving,” was real for him. Even though his brain knew the steps A, B, C, D, to get himself out of the situation, his body didn’t. Because of that, he was stagnating. We had a quick, easy talk to say like, “You need to pay attention to that fear. You need to know about that fear of abandonment. If you don’t, you’re going to be in the stagnation.”
Fear is a powerful thing. The part about fear is that we often make decisions out of fear. Some schools of thought basically say there are two methodologies for making decisions. One is from fear, the other one’s from desire. You could look at that and all the gradations in between fear and desire. Let’s look at those two sides. Making decisions out of fear is on some level the lower part of me, the unpotentiated part me. The part of me that doesn’t see what’s possible, what life is possible. It’s a part of me that is looking for problems and creating problems on some level. That’s what the part’s making out fear. What do I want to do? I make decisions out of fear to look good or avoid punishment. I don’t want to be disliked. I don’t want to be held down. I don’t want people to think poorly of me. Morgan and I were talking about we did this talk on Together.Guy, a fun interview. The guy was Eric Noon, he’s awesome. He kept nailing us and coking, he was a little let’s see what we do here. I’m going to push this button here. Morgan talked about this thing about the concept of rape and matching for rape. It’s a very charged topic and I understand it.
What happened was a woman emailed Eric saying, “This is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that you even wrote this. There’s no things were raped,” and I got her level of abstraction. I got her understanding. We were talking in a different level of abstraction. Both are right but a different level. What happens when you get those letters from the haters, when you get those viewpoints from people? It happens to me all the time too, is when I write something and someone says, “You’re an idiot.”Some woman wrote about an article this man should not be encouraged. There’s a certain level of fear. There’s a certain bubble, “I don’t want to be haters. I don’t want people saying on my Facebook that I’m an idiot. I don’t want people calling me a chauvinist or all these things.”
The fear of not coming out will keep me stagnant. It keeps us all stagnant because we’re afraid of the repercussions of fully being who we are in the world. That’s where life does not happen is when you’re in fear. The second thing to continue the thread is to make decisions out of desire. Desire could be anything. Desire could be to have a better body, a better relationship, a better connection to God, a better meditation practice, whatever is it. We have this desire, these parts of ourselves that want to get bigger and better. My viewpoint on that is that one is one of expansion. Sometimes desire is “I want to break up with this person because this isn’t a healthy relationship.”Which could be a contraction in your life, but really an expansion of yourself, an extension of your self-love and your self-ability to take care of yourself?
These decisions out of fear and desire. Where do you make these decisions? Look at your life right now and look at some of the decisions that you have coming up and start to make those decisions. Look at those and see, “Am I making this decision out of fear? Am I making this decision out of desire?”You could do a smell test and sometimes they’re not easy to see and that’s when you bring in a friend. You call your men’s group, women’s group, your coach or therapist, you’re priests. You call them that person to give you some feedback to help you see the parts of you and where you’re making these decisions.
When you’re able to see where you’re at, first, confront the fear and then make a decision to go through it. It’s also good to look at your motivations underneath the fear. Morgan’s viewpoint is you go back to the childhood wound. Not quite my viewpoint, but important is looking at it, it’s just a fear. Something from when we were young. I look at the motivation of what’s happening in that fear. Did you have a recent pain? Are you afraid of hurting someone? Are you afraid of not being connected to someone? Look at your motivations, do the digging. Often the top level fear isn’t what’s happening underneath what’s happening on the lower levels and then you can dig. The trick is I’m afraid to ask this person now, so then you can ask the question like, “What would happen? Then, what would happen? Then, what would happen?”You can keep digging to underneath that. More often than that, it’s the fear of being alone and it’s the fear of abandonment that lives underneath most everything. That fear of not being loved and connected in this world, but you can do the work. You can do the work to see where you are today and where that decision is fear and go underneath it to find out what are the underlying motivations. It’s self-awareness and the ability to go from point A to point B. Once you move through your fear, find your motivation, see what’s stopping you. The next thing is the question is what happens next? This sometimes is the scariest part of all. One unit of fear equals ten units of life. When you move through your fear, you then have the ability to live life more than you want. I can tell you this is sometimes the hardest part at all because we’re used to living in fear. We’re used to living in bondage.
We’re used to keeping ourselves small that once you unshackle the fear from yourself, then the next thing is it’s to really go in and say, “I can create anything.” Which is sometimes the scariest thing in itself because then you have no fucking excuses. We’d love to live in excuses and the circumstance controlling it. Our mother controlling it, our partner controlling, it’s not that. Once you move through your fear and then you have choice, then you have to take the responsibility of truly living your life of who it is and sometimes it is the hardest thing to do at all because we’re used to bondage.
I talked a few shows ago about how I moved out of one self-imposed prison and then six months later I advertise, bought, found the cage, got the key and created my own prison. I’ve even put myself back into a prison because I was scared of being free. The only person, the only thing that’s truly holding you down is our own self imposed restrictions. There are some cases of course that don’t apply. There are certain countries and certain cultures where there’s not the freedom and that’s not the level of distraction I want to talk to. I want to talk to who you are in this world and the possibility of what you can make us free.
My good friend Richard asked, “I wonder if there’s a distinction between caution and fear?” which is a great question. Caution to me is the flip side of fear. Caution is when you can feel what’s happening. Instead of diving in and being blind to it, you raise your awareness. From that raising the awareness, you can make more mindful steps to move towards your desire. Caution is taking in the signal, the stimuli of going on and then taking the steps specifically and deliberately. Fear and desire. One unit of fear equals ten units of life. The last thing I want to talk about is how do you help someone when you see them in their fear? We’re all in relationship and you see someone and you’re totally clear, but then you’re seeing your partner, your friend, your ally, your enemy in fear. What do you do about it? This is the few steps I want to help you with today.
The first thing is to go in with awareness and pay attention to what’s going on for them. More often than not, we go in with our pedantic, self-centered, own viewpoints and saying, “If I was in that situation, I would do A, B, and C.” Which might have value, but in the end you want to be able to go into their world. Go into the world, take a step and taste the flavor of their fear what’s happening. Go into the world and take a step and taste the flavor of their fear and what’s happening. What are their motivations for their fears? Don’t go and bully them out of their fear, as I watched the experience yesterday. Go in and identify, and feel and notice. If you bully someone out of their fear, they might take a step out of their fear to please you, but step back and it’s that fear. It’s a Band-Aid on top of the situation.
Go in and truly feel the depths of their fear and their motivations. Once you fully understand, once you’re sitting in that spot, give them your impression of the way out. Sometimes their step out of their fear is totally opposite from yours. You’re going to have to let go of your viewpoints, let go of what you think he or she should do and sit into their world and be willing to share the experience. The last thing is to stay with them through their walks of fear. If you’re wanting to help someone on their fear, the worst that you can do is go and abandon them in the middle of it.
That’s often what we do is we’re like, “We’ll help,” and then we take 5%, 10% of the steps and say, “You’re on your own.” Their fear of abandonment is going to kick them back. If you want to help someone through their fear, be willing to say, “I’m going to walk with you through this process.” If you can’t authentically do that, don’t offer that. Refer them to a coach, refer them to a therapist and give them the possibility for them to move out of their fear. It’s a friendly thing to know what your limits are and what you’re willing to do in your own boundaries around it.
That is this rant on One Unit of Fear. I have my friend, JB, from Paris. What’s up buddy?
Thanks for having me. It’s a pretty good day.
It’s good to see you, first and foremost.
Yes, it is. It’s been a long time.
How do we make this spectacular for you? What’s going on?
Lately, it’s like everything is exploding inside me. I stopped smoking, had a kid, half moving in with my partner and my business. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I feel overwhelmed and I fear that I don’t have much. I don’t have such fun. Emotion will end up functioning and not functional.
Let’s first set some basic concepts. One, your emotions are right. Let’s give permission for you to cry, to have these feelings, let’s go against the social norm and say your feelings are right. Can we agree on that?
I want you to really agree on that.
I don’t know. Have to take everything.
The second thing is, what are the elements of your overwhelm? When you think of overwhelm, these are the seven things that I feel overwhelming?
There is this law of universe when one thing is getting fucked, everything is getting fucked at once. There is a repetition or a real concentration of everything exploding at the same time with five different clients. This will be one thing getting me overwhelmed. When I’m in a better state I deal with them one by one and I will carry it. In the state I’m in, I move slower so I get fucked by having twenty together at once and the more it happens, the less I’m able to deal with it. That will be with work.
I want to reflect something back to you. You spoke in generalities. When you speak in generalities, your brain can’t function. When you go to more specifics, your brain can function. My good friend, Eva Clay, taught me that your brain doesn’t know the difference between of success, of walking across the street and winning the Nobel Peace Prize. The brain doesn’t know the difference between the two. It knows you’re successful. If you want to change your mind, you want to change your state, do one little thing that has you feel successful. That’ll tell your brain, “Success.” It’s like a dog jumping. When you speak in generalities, brain feels overwhelmed. You have this repeating pattern of, “I’m never going to be successful,” because it’s too overwhelming, because it’s too big.
Lately the other thing I have in men’s group, I touched this place of it’s not worthy; I’m never going to do that. I’m never going to make it so it’s not worth trying. I had this bottomless sadness I cried for fifteen minutes. I stopped because I felt I was taking too much time on everybody and I couldn’t cry for hours. It’s a first time in a long time I’m feeling that much. I don’t know if I’ve been having it and not paying attention to it and going on anywhere all this time or if it’s something new. I have no idea. There is this voice. It is very some exit hard to even do the little steps because I know any little step is a step to success but intellectually I know it. I know it’s the way of success, eventually. I know all of this, I won’t even do the small step. I advertise myself even to these dealerships.
Let me ask you a more general question. What’s your relationship to success?
Something I avoided, something I’ve wanted a lot as well. Something I never have and when I do what all white people think I do, I don’t see it.
This might be one of the cornerstones of your issues. You don’t have much experience being successful. You have a lot of success in being what you perceive as “unsuccessful”. I’ve known you for a couple of years now and I know you put time and energy into being more successful. You’ve taken the steps, put energy in improving yourself, improving your relationships, stopped smoking and stepped up to be a father, which is humongous, ridiculous. I’m just a co-parent; I don’t know how parents live. It’s ridiculous to be a parent in today’s society. My point is that you’ve put yourself in success and it’s simply you don’t have the capacity to experience the belief in yourself that you deserve the success. Let’s dig into that. Answer this question for me. If I’m successful, it means this. Go.
I do exactly what I want. I won’t have to give a fuck about what people think. I will enjoy what I’m doing. I would feel free to do it the way I want. I will feel what I’m doing is meaningful because I’m happy about it and that’s enough. That’s it.
Those are mostly positive, upbeat, energized size. I want you to imagine, maybe pretend there’s a few fears about being successful. What do you perceive those fears to be?
I would certainly have more responsibilities.
You feel having more responsibility. You’re a father so that is responsibility and enough in itself.
I’m a father, I have three employees. I see you as well. It’s like I’m carrying two child, one is a newborn this other one is three years old and needs to grow up a bit.
What does it mean to have responsibility?
I feel when folks they have most is feeding that either my tribe or my business, depending on me. At the moment, I would have liked to take two weeks for my kids without having to think of my business and cannot do it. There is a place where I feel trapped, I do these things to free myself and fucks me over.
It’s a mess of being a solopreneur. I could make my own schedule and then all of a sudden you’re like, “I’m responsible for my own schedule.” It’s insane owning your own business and for people like us, it’s the only way that we’re happy. You feel trapped. Do you feel the pull of your work life into your family life? Is there a tug of war going on? Do you feel successful and gratifying in the family life?
You feel okay with the relationship with your lady and your son?
Yes. At the moment I’m not happy about it because I feel down and I would like to bring more. At the same time I’m still connected. Whatever I’m doing, I know we can finish. I know I’m doing my best. If I’m being honest back, actually good about it, it’s like I’m doing my best.
To be honest, I don’t see the light yet. What’s going on? Let’s keep digging and see if we can find something. Overwhelm. Do you have fear about your business?
Tell me about the fear of the business.
It’s been almost three months I couldn’t find myself. I’m barely making the deals to everybody. Really have so many. I feel like I’m in this space where I’m too small to make it sustainable and to be having three employees. I’m in this space where it’s like I don’t make enough money and I need to grow even more. I was connected to a company and this company’s been sold so I’m going to have much less means. I don’t have any salesperson anymore. I’m going to have to move out. There is a lot of constraints happening at the moment. I have to do sales. I’m still doing the production management and I’m still using new software. I’m still the one doing the most softwares. Even if it’s been months and most transferring to my team my knowledge, still 90% is in my head. I know the project needs to grow. I know that goes with me growing and five different direction that I need to go at once. I need to do sales, I need to go after the money, I need to negotiate and to develop and I need to engineer.
You are what I would call under leveraged. That’s the main thing. There are two things that happen in business consistently in all the business I consult. The first is the psychology. The psychology of the owner. Tony Robbins says that the success of the business is based on the psychology of the owner. The more upbeat and energized you are, the more your business expands. The more contracted and down you are, the more the business contracts. It’s a ratio. Psychology. The second is leverage. How leveraged is your business? For every unit of energy you put into the business, how much do you get back?
You have both things going against your tide. Your psychology is a little fucked up and you’re under leveraged, which happens always in new businesses. Both these things are common when you start up your business. Your ability to take the time to figure out how to increase the leverage of your business is paramount to your success. I know I added yet another thing onto your plate, but I would highly recommend to start to look at your internal processes, your methodologies, to see how you can increase your leverage. If not, you’re going to drown. It makes sense that you’re overwhelmed.
I know I need to do that and I’m resisting doing it. As of now, I know the way it works is fucked. I don’t want to face it and I know I’ve been doing that for weeks.
We’re getting closer to the core of what’s happening. It’s not confrontation. Just like fear when you’re not confronting your fear, it doesn’t go away. It grows. Your ability to step in and say, “We need to spend an hour a day for the next two weeks focusing on how to leverage this.” How do I transfer my knowledge? How do I get myself a new salesperson?” Right now you’re running around putting out fires in a reactive mode and that’ll rip you to shreds. You’d need to at least spend a portion of your day in proactive planning mode or you’re fucked.
Know your brain. Proactive and reactive are two different parts of your brain and it’s hard to switch between the two. It’s better to have distinct times. 9:00 to 10:30 every morning for the next week, no sales, no conversations. I’m going to sit with my team, sit by myself, find a mentor group or anything to help you leverage. You have to put that in or you’re going to keep fighting fires and exhaust yourself.
The good news is we’ve identified the source of your overwhelm. When we started talking, my sense was there was this overwhelm. It was hugely wide and everything was tied in. Your family life feels solid, you feel connected to your family, you love what you’re doing and you’re being successful. You have fear around payroll, supporting people, supporting yourself and that all comes down to your business under leveraged. You can focus on that. I suspect if you put a little bit of attention on it, this vibe is going to switch pretty quickly. What do you think? I just made that up.
It makes sense. It feels true. I have to find out how to pull that off. I’m just going to promise this to myself a lot. I’m going to spend four hours a week making sales and to every Friday is going to be commanding the codes. Everything never fucking works. There is always this very urgent thing to take of first. I know I’m fucking bad at putting that kind of a routine for myself. It sounds good.
Here’s one more recommendation. If you can say to your clients, this is the support time that’s available, 10:00 to 6:00 PM, I have no idea what it is in your business. Set some time that’s available. The other times are 11:00 to 6:00 or something, some time period. Don’t make yourself available. Make sure that you have the private time as the owner of the business to get your head clear for your clients, for your employees. Because if you don’t, it’s very hard to switch. If you’re in proactive mode and you take on a client urgent call, what’s going to happen is you’re going to get out of the brain, you’re going to switch to different parts of your brain and it’s hard to get back.
No, we never get it back.
You know you need to put the time and energy in and set boundaries. Your clients might be pissed, but if you communicate ahead of time, they’re not going to be as pissed off and you don’t have to keep creating these fires so you could confront your business.
I feel annoyed, to be honest.
Lovely, I love when they feel annoyed. I used to be like I wasn’t happy until someone said, “Fuck you,” in a men’s course. It turns me on when people are annoyed.
That’s what happens to me in coaching as well. I like it. Now it’s my turn to be fucked.
We’re hitting a point of your perceived limitations of your capability. We want to stay in a sort of comfortable, “This is what I know,” and what I know is I’m good at fighting fires. There’s this other part of you that needs attention and the possible expansion. You’re going out of your comfort zone into proactive desire-based business. It’s very easy for me to say, “Go do this,” and I know how hard it is. I want you to know that because I’m in the same boat with my business. You can do it. I have no doubt.
I do have doubts with. Yes.
I don’t. Thanks for being on the call.
Fear, life, desire. Let’s do it. Let’s live life to its limits. I want to thank you all for being on the show. I hope it was good for you. It was good for me. Morgan might be putting on a show too, soon as well. That might be happening. I am producing a course of two webinars with my good friend, Ken Blackman and Om Rupani, on The Battle of the Sexes or what we like to call The Ceasefire of the Sexes. You can find us at StraightTalkers.Live. We’ll be doing a webinar. It’ll be a little late for our Irish friends, but they’ll be recorded. We’re doing a live course in Los Angeles, me, Ken Blackman and Om Rupani. Spread the word.
Thank you so much for being on the show. If you’d like to make a donation to help support the show, we take them at PayPal.me/KandellConsulting. If you’d like to see some old shows, visit us at TuffLove.Live. Go forth, be real, have fun, get some nookie. Thank you so much for being here. Take care. Thank you JB.
Thanks so much for joining us for Tuff Love. The weekly live coaching call, live from Los Angeles, California. If you’d like to make a donation, please visit us at PayPal.me/KandellConsulting. For more shows, please visit us at TuffLove.Live. Thanks so much. I love you. Go forth and face the day.