One of the toughest things about life is actually living it. There is that constant question of is it taking control of us, or are we taking control of it. Morgan Kandell is proof that you can take control, be responsible and live a dynamic life. Keeping yourself open and connected to the people who matter is key. Learn why growth, expansion and change is the best thing that can happen.
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Celebrating the Most Dynamic Life with Morgan Kandell
This is Rob Kandell with Mrs. Morgan Kandell. We got married two days ago. First time really together in this new experience of being married, very excited. This is the 100th show, which is cool the way the timing worked out that we got married Tuesday, the show is on Thursday. I invited Morgan to come on the show to celebrate this. Not only the 100th show which is pretty impressive, I would say, for someone who has quit almost 17,000 times, to this relationship, to this life. I’m very happy to have my lady with me on the show. The 100th show, I want to give the progression because that’s the concept of the show, is to look at where I was and where we were at the time of when I started the show and then where it’s come. It’s been really an amazing transition. People say to me or you say to me, you’ve done a lot in the last two years and I’m like, “Yes, I have.”
In October of 2015, I started the show. I was in Venice Beach, California. I had my own house. We were really seven months of dating at that point. I was getting into thick of LA Mother. I was realizing, “Maybe I fucked this up. Maybe I made a mistake starting this business.” It was getting harder and more intense and not going the way I wanted it. We were really just getting to know each other on deeper levels and it was a life that felt to me at my time, beyond our relationship, felt very stuck. I felt a little stuck. I felt like I was dragging my feet. Therapy was happening but just starting hitting those deeper points. When the show started, it was a feeling of not the incredible life I have today. What are your feelings of 2015 October?
I was living in Venice. My life was also in shambles but better than it was when I was in my marriage. It’s a step forward but still trying to figure out and not sure where I was going to end up, looking for a house, not sure what was going to happen with the kids in school and work and basically everything was a mess.
When I describe my life now, it’s fucking incredible. There’s no other way to put it. I can’t even express it firmly enough of how amazing it is. This relationship, this marriage, being a stepfather, my business, writing a book, my health, all aspects of it has been this really incredible feeling of expansion and growth. The point is, if you’re feeling like life sucks or it’s unpotentiated, some people think their life sucks. I talk to them, I coach them. If you think it’s never going to get better, this is just an example of it can and it will if you take the steps of expansion and growth and really believe in yourself to get from point A to point B because we’re proof positive of where it can go.
When you start taking responsibility and start taking control of your life, you can make it go wherever you want to go. I think this is the proof that I’ve experienced, a 100% proof that I can do it.
Let’s talk about it. What is a dynamic life? To me, it’s just every day waking up and thinking life is possible, the next step is possible.
A dynamic life is wherever you want it to be because dynamic usually means change and growth and expansion. For me, living a dynamic life means taking our lives to another level whenever we’re wanting it, whenever we’re desiring and moving towards our desire and letting that desire happen organically.
I’m thinking about our life, and I don’t know if you truly believe this but I’m here in my beautiful office in Woodland Hills and I get to go home to you and the mayhem of the children, half the time. I get to go home from this space, which is sacred and quiet and very masculine and very well put together and very clean, into the ever falling mayhem of our relationship. I use mayhem in the highest regard because to me, I love the expansion of what we have. I love that I never really know the conversations we’re going to have, the honesty we’re going to have, the realizations you have, the realizations I have and that to me is the power of a dynamic life.
We can create everything that we have ever wanted and more together. That I think is really a piece of it, that we’re in partners in creation, right?
That’s true, co-creating. Let’s talk about how we transitioned from a place that both of us felt stuck, and I think you used the word ‘in shambles’, to where we are now. What are the steps you took or what did you have to drop off or what part of your life did you have to change to get from there to here?
The biggest piece for me was every step of the way asking myself what would I tell my daughters to do in this position. It was really easy for me to stay in the stuckness or stay in the feeling of not creating what I really wanted to be and be bogged down by the situation. Instead, I kept asking myself every step along the way, what would I tell my daughters, and also surrendering to the universe and knowing that the universe maybe has a better plan for me than I have for myself.
Is that a form of surrender? Is that a form of giving up?
No. For me it’s surrender and trust.
Some of the things I’ve done to create this dynamic life, therapy, which I’ve talked about on many shows. Somatic therapy has been a huge boon. The journeys we’ve taken, enjoying those. Then just recently, some new things that I want to speak about. How would you describe Kim?
What she does is called the Body Code, which is kinesiology. Finding out about limiting beliefs and hidden emotions and subconscious patterns that are holding us back.
My story is that I’ve had extra weight on my body for years. Probably 30 or 40 pounds and for a six-foot somewhat muscular stately man, I look good. I would wake up every morning and see pictures of me taken on LIB and I would see the extra weight. I decided to do my 60 yoga classes in 80 days right before Lightning in a Bottle, which I did and I didn’t lose any weight. I think I got stronger and I felt stronger but I didn’t lose a fucking pound. Then Morgan was laughing a little bit.
No, I was not laughing. I thought you were bigger and your commitment was amazing.
But you didn’t really believe that I was going to lose any weight?
I didn’t think it had to do with exercise.
Me and my masculine domination go forth and conquer and trample, I just went full force and then I didn’t lose any weight. Then I got really frustrated and I started to do this thing called The Camp, which is this insane gym cult that I really respect. Then I started doing this work with this woman, Kim, and the Body Code. Basically, from the phone, she was doing muscle testing. She tapped into my energy and did muscle testing with her body on my body and all these limiting beliefs that I had. I swear, I don’t know what she did but I just started to believe that I could lose the weight. Then we did this Purium Cleanse.
You did the ancestral stuff first.
Talk about that.
We did a process around some ancestral wounds that Rob was holding on to in his body in order to create a systemic family balance. It’s called Family Constellations developed by Bert Hellinger, a German Psychotherapist. We found where you were holding a lot of allegiance to your family and trying to balance the family system with holding on to the weight in your body and how it was serving you.
Through this system, through this conversation that we had, she actually took me at a guided imagery in a conversation and to my dad when I said, “I don’t need this weight anymore to be connected to you. I can find a new way to love you. Here, take it back. I’ve been holding on to it for me for 47 years, you can have it back.” I actually had this imagination and I felt the same thing with my mom. I just gave back all the stuff that wasn’t serving me. It was the Body Code, it was this ancestral work we did and then the Purium. I lost 20 pounds in two weeks, and painless. The Purium cleanse was amazing. 60 yoga classes in 80 days, I didn’t lose a pound. Me drinking shakes and going in and giving up these parts of myself has worked and I’ve lost 20 pounds and I’m trying to lose another 20 over time. It’s just that belief system. I was so masculine in my belief that I could just motor through the shedding of the weight and then in turn all it took was some really deep inner work.
It’s always the internal work that’s going to create the transformation I believe.
What’s an example with you of something you moved through in the last two years that you think is pretty significant?
There are so many things. I also released a bunch of extra weight that I was holding on to when I did my own process around using it to create an allegiance or connection with my mom. I have gone through a lot of transformation with the kids and that’s through work with emotional presence and my own emotional presence for myself and how it translated with the children. I think those are the most dynamic at this point.
What are the results you’ve seen?
The result has been that I have learned to love myself more and have more self-acceptance for myself in every single state. I’m more willing to be connected to you even when we have some turbulence and we have some ups and downs and be more connected to you and more authentic. I used to shut down and now I stay open. That’s been a big change too.
When we start to fight, I recall the ice frost would come in. Some women I’ve dealt with tend to get louder and scream more and get more intense, some other women are like that. Morgan wasn’t quite like that. She would actually get quieter and quieter and quieter and that little runner, her little feet would start to move her body towards the door. At the same time, this frost system will come down and all of the sudden there was like a blizzard between us. That would infuriate me because my little sense of abandonment was just like, “Don’t go. Stay in the fight with me. Stay and duke it out with me,” because that was what I was used to. I was used to other women who are a little different in their modality of fighting. I felt really grateful for the change. I’ve seen a significant change that you actually stay deeply more present. I don’t feel you heading for the door. I actually feel you come towards me now when fighting has occurred. That’s been a significant change in two years.
Another piece of that is the ego work. It’s Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. Ego work has been the thing that has enabled me to learn to see where I was creating separation from you and other people and where I was going to my ego story and my pain body and reactivating it and allowing the ego to control me. That has been a huge piece in our connection and our relating and me being able to say, “Yes, perhaps I felt a little jealous,” because I have an unconscious desire to leave the relationship.
Would you say the last heated discussion was one of the most intense ones we had or not? It was for me.
Yeah, it was one of them.
One of the top three heated discussions. It was a 72-hour heated discussion. What happened was I put a little bit too much attention to other women for an extended period of time and you felt a little not my intention in my presence, which I miscued. That was on me. We had this 72-hour heated discussion and what I really found was how deeply different it felt, which I was really grateful for. I felt the work, really the New Earth and the work you’ve done with the ego, which I think you should write about more. I think it’s such a powerful thing. It was so different when you said to me, “This could just be my ego being involved.” That was a really gracious thing. I was taking out a lot of this responsibility myself because that’s what I intended to. I’m the big bad boy who did what he did and then when you took on some of that so deeply, it just felt so nurturing.
Also, I didn’t say anything to you in the moment and I could have totally done that. In hindsight, what was my motivation for not saying anything? I share the responsibility with you.
What’s the next step of our dynamic life? What do you want to create next in our dynamic lives?
I feel like honestly, the sky is the limit, so everything. I want travel, more better sex, I want transcendence sex. I want just more of everything: fun, joy, bless, connection, community. Definitely community, that would be a big one.
Let’s talk about that. What’s it going to take to have a community of cool people in Los Angeles? There are 17 million people in two square miles of Los Angeles, there has to be at least 30 cool people out there that are willing to come on. I’m making a pledge, I didn’t plan to make this. I will start to hold the formation of the community with us because I’ve been very resistant to it after building several of them and really being blown out by the process. We will have a community of friends to co-create the next evolution of fun.
I would love that. Let’s do that together.
Then travel and then abundance, money abundance. For all those people who think money is a sin, I’m not one of them.
Money was created by source, just like everything else was created by source.
Money and abundance. My book, I really want to build my book. I’m very excited about that. I felt more inspired by that recently. Then what else you want to create for yourself?
Just helping more people, connecting with more people and the children, of course. More stability and more connection, more love, more experiences for them. More of our own growth together and individual, not separate but individual.
On the 200th show, which should come in a year because I’m actually decided to go to two shows a week. It will be different. I have a different plan. It’s not going to be two Tuff Love’s. The point is in the 200th show, which should be by the end of 2018, will you come back and then do the 200th show to talk about where we are as a benchmark?
Let’s bring our friend, Steven, on the line. Let’s see what he wants to talk about. He was a little nervous. Let’s see what’s happening. Hello, Steven.
Hi, Rob. Hi, Morgan.Steven, you’ve got Yin and Yang, the masculine and the feminine, good cop and bad cop; I won’t tell you which is who.
I messaged you earlier because I only decided to do this at about 1:00 this morning and sent you a message saying, “If you haven’t got anyone yet, I’ll do that.” Then changed my mind and then change my mind back. Part of it for me of wanting to be on the show is, because I’ve been coming since you’ve been doing them, and to see your journey and even the journey I’ve had at similar times. I then got to this afternoon and it was like, “How vulnerable, how exposed, how publicly visible do I want to be?” That is a question that I’ve been asking myself for a while anyway, along the lines of, how do people see me? How do I see the changes I’ve made over the time because loads of retreats and work? Where have I actually gotten to? Where do I look at it and almost see what the results are? I honestly don’t know what I want to talk about.
Are you afraid of being transparent and real, especially in public?
There’s a part of me that says yes. There’s a lot of me that says, “It depends who it is.” I can be perfectly real with a big sector of the people that I know. Pretty much all of my clients now and all that kind of stuff know who I am, what I do, why I do it and how I do it. I do think there’s still a part of me that believes, even for my business side, that there’s a persona that I’m supposed to be putting on for them to believe that that’s what I can do and that I can do it. I was at a networking event and everyone was in suits and I was wearing a purple shirt and someone was taking a photo and said, “Steve, can you get in the middle because I need some color in the middle of the photo and you’re pretty much the only one here who is not in the grey suit.” I am different and that’s part of who I am and what I want to be but do I believe that that’s the right thing or am I just doing it to be different some of the time?
Is that the thing you want to talk about or you want to find a different topic?
I don’t know. There’s a lot of I don’t knows with me at the moment. Yes, we’ll stay with that.
What’s the most pressing issue in your life right now?
Again, that’s probably something I don’t want to share publicly because I know where I am in that process and I don’t think it’s appropriate to be sharing that publicly. It should be something I’m sharing with the person that I’m sharing it with kind of thing.
Let’s go to the more general. This topic of, “Who am I? Who am I in this world?” I hear the doubt of the purple shirt Steven. I hear the, “Fuck you, I’m a purple shirt Steven,” along with the doubt, “Am I doing this for the right reasons?” Let’s talk about the purple shirt and the grey suit convention. What had you wear a purple shirt in the first place?
The purple shirt is actually the almost formal business side of me. I’m more than happy walking up to networking events dressed like this with a hoodie and shorts and even at a networking or a co-working space where I sat wearing shorts and t-shirts with no shoes on, on a picnic table that I’ve got in the corner. I’m perfectly comfortable like that and working like that, and the clients I’ve got and the people I work with are happy with me like that. I find that there’s so much explaining to do to everybody else as to what that is. I never actually get a chance to work with them or help them because I was spending all my time explaining why I’m wearing a t-shirt and not a suit.
Are you explaining that to them because you feel like you need to or because they actually asked you?
A bit of both in that they see it and they do express it as a difference. Whether I then take that on and think I need to justify it or explain it, they’re probably just mentioning it or noticing it whereas I then give that some meaning or give it more airtime that it needs.
What would it mean to you, if they’re asking you in the way that you’re saying that kind of maybe some judgment? What does it mean to you when they asked you what meaning do you create around it?
I’m guessing something as, “Am I professional? Am I competent? Am I good enough?” It’s the fact that if I’m not putting effort in that area, do I put effort in other places?
There’s a lot of fog in this area. When I have talked to you about other things, there’s been a sharpness and clarity and ownership. The fog is dictating to me that there’s a question. There’s a deep question of who you want to be around this point. We all want to make impact, some people want to make impact just for themselves, other people want to make with their families and their children, other people like us want to make an impact with other people. That’s the chosen profession we’re in. You’re using clothes as a way to impact. Is that the impact you actually want to make?
I think there’s part of what I’ve done for the last couple of years. It was actually at the time more about taking ownership of myself, of not trying to create a persona but creating something that I felt comfortable in and recognize myself in. Having the confidence to hold that for myself and follow what I’m doing.
Is it creating a positive change for you when you decided to do that and dress the way that you want to dress?
Yes. It attracted the right people to me. It attracted the right customer base to me. One of my clients met me at a co-working and I was wearing my shirt and trousers. At the end they said, “Can I have a hug because you’re in your huggy clothes?” They actually took a step back from not me but from the process that we were going through because they didn’t feel the connection to who I was and what I was. Not that I felt uncomfortable but there was something there, there was a difference in me that they didn’t feel comfortable.
It sounds like your clients don’t really care. I wonder about if there’s some part of you that’s judging yourself?
The clients I’ve got don’t care. What I fear a lot is not getting other clients from it. The work I’ve put in got myself to where I am. Even saying I’ve got doubts on whatever, if somebody that was thinking of using me as a coach sees this, they’re going to go, “He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
I’ve trained 400, 500 coaches and I said this to every single one of them. It’s not your expertise per se that’s going to attract the client or keep a client. It’s who you are. It’s your presence. It’s your humanity. It’s your moving from step A to point B, your dynamic life. If you’re saying, “I was a miserable white trouser and white shirt and a trouser guy every single day and I migrated to a purple shirt guy and I’m proud of it.” I think the greatest crime you’re doing to yourself is doubting yourself. They’re going to feel the doubt and I understand why.
They’re mirroring to you what’s really inside of you. Whatever you’re seeing in them is really just your own reflection. Where do you feel it inside of you what you’re seeing in these other people that’s being reflected to you? It could be your dad’s voice. It could be society’s voice. It could be all these different things. I’m not saying it’s just from you.
I think it’s just a preconception of what society expects of someone that’s professional and that I’ve been brought up with that when you get to work, it’s a shirt and tie and all that kind of stuff. Even though I’ve been in business environments where that wasn’t the dress code, that wasn’t what we did or it wasn’t enforced as strictly as it could be in other places. There was still a part of it in me somewhere, “How does this demonstrate?” It’s not necessarily what I’m wearing, it’s how do I present myself and how does how I appear reflect on me.
I’ll say, the clothes don’t make the man. It’s the man inside there. It’s your energetic presence. The clothes help. You will lose people who are stuck on the surface level. If you lose that demographic, you might not want to work with them anyway. There’s no scarcity. It’s who you are. I hear your fear of being yourself, which I think is stopping you from getting that next set of clients and it’s small. I wanted to say overall, Steven is a kickass power. I can feel that and I can feel your acumen and I can feel your solidity. On top of that, there’s a little edge of doubt and fear that’s stopping you to get to the next level.
The question there then, is how do I release that without breaking everything?
Release the fear. I’ll talk about myself for a second. I saw another therapist, this woman who read me like a book. Either she has read every one of my history pages or been researching me for years and years or she is a psychic reader. I’m just thinking she is a psychic reader. She went in to my system and read me like a book to the degrees of who I am. She said to me that I carry my failures like a backpack over me, which is stopping me from rising to the next level. She said the reason, and I confirmed, was that I wear these failures so close because I’m so afraid of making them again. I carry on my failures, and I have significant ones on my back, and it’s stopping me from growing. She said, “You already have the knowledge. You don’t need carrying the failures on your back to keep your knowledge available to you. It’s already inside of you.” I could just release the backpack. That’s the visual I see with you, the same visual. You carry your doubt on your back as a way to motivate you or create electricity.
That’s what I was going to say, how is it benefitting you to hold on to it?
Part of it is protection. At least I know what it is. Almost the security in that and I’m now taking other areas where it’s a similar pattern into what I’m holding on to and why I have got it. Yes, it’s so I don’t make the mistake again. It’s the constant of having some clarity. At least, if I’m overdrawn in the bank or something, I know that that’s what it is and at least being able to accept that’s what it is was at one point part of it. There are some other stuff I’ve got going on, which I’m making some choices around some investments and bits and pieces like that where I have let go of some of it.
I’m hearing you’re comfortable with the mediocrity.
Almost, because from where I was eight, nine years ago, with what I went through at that point with depression and stuff, the comfortable with mediocrity is better than where I was.
I’ll challenge you about that. That’s not good enough. You’ve come a long time in eight or nine years but I feel, my impression, my hit is that your old soul is saying, “What have you done for me lately?”
That hits very truly, the lately. Yes, you made all that progress and it was good to be in that space for a bit because there was progress there and to recognize that and to be comfortable in that but it’s time to move to the next.
Does the way you dress influence or create some separation between you and a client? Because you’re saying and talking about trust and perhaps there’s some kind of a boundary almost?
I don’t think so. The clients that I’ve got now, for me it feels more natural, more comfortable to be as I am. I don’t think there’s a boundary.
Let’s bring it back to that point of, you are living a good life and good is the enemy of great. From my perspective, I’m just going to challenge you to go to the next level. You’re doing an amazing job to rebound from the death of your father. I think it’s time, the bell is ringing. Just take that next level and I’m with you. I’m saying this to you but I’m saying this to me because I’m at a really good point and I know there’s a next level. I’ve got to unload my disappointments. There are so many things I need to do some I’m with you a 100% in the same exact spot.
We create a ceiling for ourselves, like what you’re talking about living in mediocrity. Also, we have a belief system a lot of times that we can only get to a certain level and it could be some familial stuff, it could further down the ancestry line. So often our limits, like Rob always says, we have our own foot on the brake. I think that’s true and it’s sometimes beyond what we can physically see that we are doing. I would say, explore even further your own self-limiting beliefs and then also up the line as well because those affect us very strongly and we have no idea that they’re even affecting us.
You can work with her. I’m serious, she changed me just recently. Twenty fucking pounds instead of the fucking yoga. All it took was a conversation.
I bet what she changed about you is that she got you to want to marry her.
That was easy. Thank you so much for coming to the show. I appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for showing up every week and cheering me on with Elvis and Joe. Being on the show along with Morgan really makes a difference for me. You’ve really impacted me and I’m very grateful for that.
Thank you. Thank you, Morgan.
That was the 100th show, Morgan. I’m really grateful to you.
Me too. Thank you.
Thank you for cheering me on every week on Tuff Love and really continue to conspire with me and inspire me with the show topics. I say this a lot over and I want to say it again for the record, I am the face of many things and a lot of it is mine but a lot of it is yours. It is the marriage of us on many levels that continue to inspire me to impact the world and I’m grateful. I want to give credit where credit is due.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Morgan’s website is MorganMellas.com. Just really the incredible work she is doing is she is a learner and a seeker and benefit from her many hours of reading many books with a little pink highlighter and really brilliant. I can just say she’s changed my life many times over with her knowledge and I continue to absorb through her some valuable skill sets.
She’ll be back on the 200th show, which will be by the end of 2018.We’ll be back next week with another show and another great topic. I look for 2018 for two Tuff Loves a week if my plans go the way they’re supposed to go, which they’re supposed to go. I’m excited about that and grateful. For all my long-time listeners, if you feel so inclined, please visit TuffLove.live to find out more information. There’s a free consultation. There are some writing on there. Please subscribe on iTunes, that’s helps a lot and please leave me a review on iTunes. Go on the show, go on iTunes and Stitcher and give us a little loving. Leave a review, that would be very helpful. That’s it. We’re done. Thank you so much.