TL 112 | Demystifying Oral Sex

112: Six Conversations: Demystifying Oral Sex, Play And Evoke Sensation with Arielle Brown

TL 112 | Demystifying Oral Sex

Is it really weird when you go down? This taboo topic offers so much experience, feeling and exploring for a man and a woman. The six conversations continues with demystifying oral sex where one man’s first interaction of it leaves him shameful for not lasting more than ten seconds, while the woman just doesn’t feel comfortable and confident doing it. However, both man and woman enjoy the moment of surrender, being present at the moment and thus being submissive and dominant at the same time. Learn why there is so little communication around this topic when it’s a favorite act for most people.

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Six Conversations: Demystifying Oral Sex, Play And Evoke Sensation with Arielle Brown

Another episode of Six Vulnerable Conversations Between a Man and a Woman. The man is played by me, your host, Robert Kandell, and the woman is played by my good friend and colleague, Arielle Brown. We talked about the thing that we do, that sex, that stuff down there. We’re talking about oral sex, this really pleasurable act with so much connotation to it and so much feelings and so many things that drives us a little crazy. Arielle and I get down and dirty in this show to really talk about the basics and our thoughts, our viewpoint, and our feelings around this thing called oral sex. The show is talking about our thoughts and vulnerable conversation around something you might want to listen to.

Welcome to the fifth episode of the six-week video series, Six Vulnerable Conversations Between a Woman and a Man. Last week’s high sensational conversation was about navigating open relationship. I’m glad that we have that one last week because I’m feeling more open and ready and prepared to dive into talking about demystifying oral sex, getting into the nitty-gritty of going down on the other.

For this episode, me and Robert are going to wax-poetic to get real raw and vulnerable and unscripted on demystifying oral sex. I am so happy that we’re going here because there is so much more to be experienced to be felt, to be explored in this topic. It tends to one of those things that people just don’t like to talk about, so we’re going to go there. Rob got excited about sharing what we learned about oral sex as kids, as teens, as pre-adolescents. I’m curious, Rob, what are your beliefs, what were your experiences, what were your stories growing up as a kid about oral sex?

I was such a total nerd and so ineffectual with women. Oral sex was weird, even kissing felt big and huge. I have to learn the details of oral sex really through movies like Porky’s. It was the ‘80s and bad sex jokes were prevalent with all the things I grew up with. All these movies talk of oral sex and sex and kissing. I was like this one really big hormone. What it came down to was I didn’t know anything. When I started my sexual journey, it was you’d kiss for two hours on the first date, three hours on the second date, two and a half hours on the third date, and then you’d go from first base to second base. It was amazing to me that the first base, second base, third base has lasted, what this 50 or 60 years that had been going on.

Third base is going down on someone.

When I was growing up, it was fingering. It was actually digital entering. I don’t think even oral sex had a base. That was like outside the ballpark, going for a stroll out in the strange world.

I’m trying to think back to what my young adult perspective on oral sex was, but in all honesty, I was so introverted. I just didn’t even think that a guy would like me when I was younger. I don’t even really know what it was.

Didn’t even know what oral sex was?

No. When did it happen?

When did it come to your consciousness that this was an act?

Probably college. I just remember wanting a boy to like me in high school. My first kiss was actually on a dance floor at a club. It wasn’t a very memorable experience. Getting into college, my first experiences of oral sex was I was just uncomfortable with the guy even being down there because I was so uncomfortable with my pussy at the time.

Just think about that terminology “down there,” does that sound like a horror movie? “Don’t go down there or you’ll lose your head.” In itself, it’s a scary thing.

One of the things that I’m really interested in exploring is the things that have led us to be able to fully be present, open up, and receive around oral sex. For me, just getting comfortable enough with a man being down there so I could actually be present to my experience was a process. I’m curious for you, do you remember your first oral sex experience?

I do. I have a whole memory book on the whole thing. It was my freshmen year in college and I was so nervous around women. I grew up an overweight kid, and so I was overweight my entire life. In my senior year college, I lost 40 pounds. I went from 242 to 202 and I looked good. I thought when I went for college from New York to California, I would be able to reinvent myself. No longer was it Rob Kandell, the fat kid who was ineffective with women. I was now nicknamed Kid Kendall, romantic and conqueror of women and able to do what I do. What it came down to was I was still the same nerdy, shy loser ineffectual in my mind because I was so shy. My first interaction with oral sex was my freshmen year with the first woman I slept with, and that happened on spring break. We had the progression again of making out and the removing of clothes. I remember she was kissing me and then going down and touching my chest. She pulled my down my pants and then took out my cock and held my cock. Right there and there my body was like, “Oh, my God,” and then she put her mouth on my cock and there was a lot of sensation. It was about a seven to ten-second first oral sex experience with me very charged up tight and immediately shameful.

What was the shame?

TL 112 | Demystifying Oral Sex

Demystifying Oral Sex: There’s something very powerful about being able to see my impact on a man, especially when it comes to pleasure.

The shame was I can’t last because there’s this myth in male sexuality that no matter what, you’re supposed to last as much as you want. For someone as terribly inexperienced as I was to orgasm, to climax in the first seven to ten seconds immediately brought on this incredible wave of shame that I didn’t do it right, and she would lose interest and I fucked it up.

I’m wracking my brain thinking back and trying to remember oral sex experiences in college. I’m honestly wondering if one, I avoided it, and two, men weren’t really open to it, and three, I was so uncomfortable with receiving it that I just didn’t invite the opportunity very often. It’s really only been over the past three or four years that I have really been willing to exercise the slowdown, the go softer, the stay still, like don’t even move just press your tongue against my clit, press your finger against my clit, and to just offer adjustments. In some ways, for women it’s one of the biggest, most courageous acts that we can do in our culture that’s so conditioned for men to go harder, faster, stronger, and just being willing to speak to our body’s necessity to move slow and the power of subtlety.

It is a total surrendered position. It is a place where you’re just lying back and to not be in control. There’s a lot of connotation to it because both men and women are taught that a woman’s genitals are like the black hole, or it smells down there, or there is something wrong down there. It’s this great, vast mystery. It’s the Bermuda Triangle of sex. Once you put your tongue in, you might never get it back. There’s a lot of fear that rises up in the unknown of it. The fear I had when I started was, “What do I do with this strange thing I don’t have much experience with?”

It made me think this is a side of it, but it also made me think about pubic hair. I have pubic hair. I’ve been terrified by the idea of completely waxing my pussy because that just sounds terrifying. I’m completely curious about what your perspective on pubic hairs.

As long it’s not too unruly, it’s fine. It’s actually taking me a long time to get used to waxing and a lack of pubic hair. That was shocking to me because I’m 47 and I’ve been sexing for at least most of my adult life in some shape or form. This total waxing of adult women to me is relatively new, maybe eight to ten years at this point. My first 37 years, a shaved pubis was unknown, unlikely, and a little strange at the time. I didn’t know what to do with it. It wasn’t bad. To your original question, as long it’s not overflowing and totally unkempt, I’m fine with it. Beyond that, it’s fine down there. It works. It’s fun to put my fingers and touch and rub. I’m just happy with oral sex. If that’s happening, I’m thrilled. There’s no charge on that piece.

I want to talk about what gets you super turned on to go down on a woman and what gets me super turned on to go down on someone. It’s not whenever I’m having sex, I want to give a blowjob. There’s variation to it.

Oral sex or giving cunnilingus is my favorite sex act. It’s my favorite thing to do and it has been for a very long time. The thing I like most about it is one, you can slow down and there are so many different things you can do to stimulate, to touch, to play. There are so many speeds. There’s not really a rush to it either. I like that a lot. Most women I know can just lay there for five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes as long as their mind doesn’t jump into it. They’re actually willing to relax and stay in that position. If a guy is willing to do that, that is a big thumbs up for most women who have dealt with a lot of men who don’t like oral sex and are rushing through it to get to the fucking. I am the opposite. We could just have oral sex and then stop. I would feel gratified. It’s just something about it. What really turns me on is a woman’s reaction, and just that she can lay there, she can relax, and there’s always different things you can do. It’s just really an incredible experience just to pay attention and to play and evoke so much sensation.

I enjoy both being submissive and dominant in the bedroom, just completely receiving and also being the person giving. One of the things that most turns me on about giving a blowjob is being able to see a man in a surrendered position. I feel like men are so often placed into the role of being the provider. There’s something very powerful about being able to see my impact on a man, especially when it comes to pleasure. It’s empowering and I love watching their face.

In your experience with sex, do you often see men surrender outside of oral sex?

The men that I’m in connection with, yes. I would say probably oral sex is probably one of the easiest places for men to surrender.

As a general rule, not the men that you’re involved in or you’re hanging out with these days, the cool cats, in the past, did you ever see men surrender outside of oral sex?

Not in a way where they’re actively acknowledging the power of a woman. In modern day culture, that’s emasculating in a way. This is modern day like, “Don’t let your woman whip you. Don’t let your woman handle you,” and things like that. Most likely, that’s not what people in this call are experiencing, but I feel there’s a desire from men to be able to feel more softness, to be able to embody more vulnerability, and that they’re not really given approval. These are the conversations that I’m hearing in conscious spiritual communities that men are desiring spaces to surrender control, to be vulnerable, to be soft, but that they don’t feel the approval to do so.

Most men would actually love to give up the imaginary reigns of running the sex act. There is something about this weird connotation that men have to be in control and handle a woman all the time. There’s certainly time for it and women do enjoy it. In my experience of women relating to me, women do like to be handled. They do like the men to hold the container of the sexuality. At times, they just want to take over and let their beast out and let the animal out, and the man can just hold on for his happily dear life and pray that he’ll survive to the morning after the woman has her way. The point is that there is a desire for men to surrender to women in sexuality.

I went to a dialogue created for men and women to share the places where they feel frustration and desire for more. A man who I’ve actually just started connecting with as a new lover, the thing that he said when he stood up was, “I just want to feel fucking met by women.” There is this way when he said it where I could see how we, as women, have been almost pushing our sexuality away from us or fully embodying our desire in the bedroom because of conditioning. When he said that, it invited me to the play even more to look at where I still expect the man to do more work than me even though I’m pretty good at showing up in the bedroom. It called me into the experience even more.

That’s an interesting terminology, “I expect men to do more work than me,” as in sex is some work project. When it comes to sexuality, we still do have a mentality that this is some task or some work to be done.

There’s a lot of conscious women, or just women in general, who are very much very do-oriented. We can see sex as this place where we can just relax and just receive. The messaging that I hear is a borderline not wanting to show up at all.

So lax, so surrendered on the women’s part that they’re not even connected to what’s happening?

Yeah, or more just wanting to be in only surrendered position. They’re just wanting to be fucked, as opposed to be the person who’s also doing the fucking.

You’re saying in oral sex, totality of a sexual experience can be five minutes, nine hours, or anywhere in between or even longer, but let’s just say nine hours is a good amount of time. In that time, the place where women wouldn’t be surrendered is in giving oral sex.

I wouldn’t say that. I would say I would deeply surrender in oral sex. To me, that’s where a woman can actually just let her animal out. I might just be totally contradicting myself. For example, one place where I play with surrendering in oral sex is in deep throating. It’s similar to anal sex. This thing the more clench, the more control you try to exert in this type of situations that involve a small hole where you’re pushing something through, it requires profound surrender. I’ve been playing around in giving up oral sex with how do I actually unclench and surrender around my throat so that I can receive a man’s cock.

Let’s just say a man on his back, he’s receiving, you’re engaging, and you’re going down on him, it’s a mixture of being engaged to his wants, to his terms, to stroke her or to hold her, and at the same time to have to relax your body, to relax your throat, to relax your mouth. It’s a mixture of engage and surrender at the same time.

Let’s say woman’s on bottom, man’s on top. It’s not just the man going like this, it’s two bodies moving together in a connected way. Giving oral sex as a woman, I feel it’s one of the greatest gifts the woman can give a man to fully let out her wild woman on his cock. That’s why I don’t just give it out all the time. It’s not just pacing things, but I only do it when I feel genuinely inspired.

Give it out. We have such commerce-based words around this very pleasurable act. You’re trying to be discreet. You have oral sex based on what criteria in your head?

I’m going to refrain that. I’m only going to give a blowjob when I genuinely feel inspired to give a blowjob. I’m not going to do it from a place of commerce, because what I’ve noticed is that if I’m not super into it, a man’s cock is not going to be nearly as hard as when I am super into it.

What elements do you feel or you suspect will have you feel inspired? Did anything have to happen? Does the guy have to be in a certain way? Is it where the moon is? Is it the time of the month? Is there anything that happens that you suspect has you feel inspired to give more or less oral sex?

The first thing that came to mind is the more surrendered, the more my wild woman is evoked, the more free as you can be, a couple of glasses of wine definitely inspires, and the desire to worship a man that I am with. I’m in a place where I only really have desire to have sex with men that I want to worship for the man that they are.

Back to our friend, safety, back to a man in a situation creating a safe space, a container, or whatever, so you can let out your beast, your animal, that you feel approved of and loved, he’ll be turned on and you’ll be turned on by you letting this part of yourself loose.

Yeah, and in honesty, like when you watch porn. I don’t know if you watch porn but I watch porn. Probably 80% to 90% of the time, the first thing that happens is a woman goes down on a man. Cock sucking happens before anything else happens. For me, this might be good, this might be bad. If I can see a man who isn’t pressuring that to be the first thing, that is really willing to give and doesn’t have an agenda, I feel way more turned on to give.

Porn says woman engaging oral sex is pretty much on top of the menu?

First thing. That tends to be once the clothes come off. My experience, because I watch a fair amount of porn, is they’ll be making out, her clothes will come off, she’ll undo his pants or his pants will come off, and then cock sucking happens before other things happen.

I haven’t watched porn in the long time so I don’t really remember the script order if at all. I can see that in the male domination fantasy script, men want the women perform first. There’s not a lot of men going down on women in porn is there?

Not nearly as much, but I appreciate it when I see it.

Do you watch women-based porn? I know that’s a thing.

I’ve been playing more with women lately, so I’ve been enjoying watching woman to woman porn lately. It’s interesting looking for porn where the two people are actually connected. In order for me to get arouse by porn, I actually need to feel that there is a connection. It’s not just baby moaning whether or not they were being touched.

What I meant by women-based porn is porn written and developed for women. Do you just don’t know or don’t pay attention to the directors or whoever the producer is?

I’ve actually found myself a little bit bored by it. There is an in-between that I desire, and this is just particular preference. I just saw a Facebook post, about women asking for adjustments for men in oral sex. A lot of women, from personal and professional experience, tend to have a lot of fear around making adjustments to men because of how it might be taken personally and just impact the relationship. What do you say about that, Rob?

Like other conscious sexual practices, if you don’t have a container for making adjustments, the likelihood of it going well is significantly decreased. In other words, if you’re on the middle and you haven’t talked about adjustments or you don’t know this person that well, and all of a sudden you’re making adjustments, the chances that guy taking it poorly is really high. They’re going to think, “I know what I’m doing. I’ve done this at least ten times. I’m an expert at this.” The man’s ego is just a cluster of fuck. Unless you have a setup agreement on how to give adjustments, it’s a slippery slope just to make adjustments because men’s egos are really tied in to their sexual prowess. If a man hears you making adjustment, the odds are he is going to think you’re belittling him as a man. The best way to do it is before the sex act, or after the first or second sex act that you want to get closer. You have a conversation about it and you ask the guy, “In the middle of sex act when you’re going down on me, I may have a desire for something new or something else. How would you like me to tell you? What format would you like?” You actually setup. You enroll him in your team pleasure, your team adjusting for pleasure modality, and you actually come up with a path once you figure out what’s happening to plan the next step. That’s the only way I found to be really successful.

TL 112 | Demystifying Oral Sex

Demystifying Oral Sex: There’s a separation from men and women engaging in a sexual experience and men and women having connected open intimate communication

Basically what this is doing is it’s inviting us to actually come into connection around the sexual experience. What I found is that there’s a separation from men and women engaging in a sexual experience and men and women having connected open intimate communication, at least in modern day culture. What would be really nice is if we were engaging in vulnerable communication and connection around our sexual experiences, as opposed to being afraid to asking for what we want and need.

It’s somewhat ridiculous that we don’t have the basic human standards for asking for what we need. In society, we’re trained to be like Navy SEALs. We’re supposed to parachute in the night, get into the house in the dark, don’t talk, do the act and get out. It’s really all about how quickly and silently we can do it. There’s no communication in sexuality. It’s not part of the pervasive culture to actually have a solid dialogue around it. Change the culture. Be willing to save your partner, “I love what we have. I am so happy with our sex life. I want to make it better and I want to do this together. I want to do this in connection with you.” What you do is you build the bridge. Once you build the bridge, if the guy is like, “No, I’m not really interested in taking feedback,” I would really think about, “Is this guy worthy to be your sex partner?”Either he’s so good that you’ll have to give him adjustments, then it’s a good point. Odds are he is not because 99.9% of guys don’t really know what they’re doing in terms of sexuality without being educated. If a guy says, “No mention of feedback,” then I would really think, “Maybe this isn’t the right guy for me.”

This is bringing up a point for me. I know for myself there have been some men who are just naturally better licking my pussy than others. It can be a blessing and a curse because if we, as a woman, are blessed with a man who just, for one reason or another, has the key to our pussy and then we start comparing this man to every other man, we run the risk of throwing men out who don’t measure up to that standard because of this belief that if they can’t figure it out by themselves, then we’re just doomed. I feel what it’s requiring and asking is for us, as women, to be willing to advocate for what we want. Ken Blackman uses the term training. I have a resistance just talking about training men because it relates to guys to dogs, which I don’t want to do. It’s inviting us to have the uncomfortable conversations which I know both us are so passionate about. One of the things that turns on about each other is the intimacy that we know is available through being willing to lean and have those conversations that culture tells us are inappropriate to have.

Women really shoot themselves in the foot. A woman has a bad sexual experience with a guy, which happens all the time. Then the woman’s like, “I don’t want to deal with this guy. I don’t want to tell him the truth. I don’t want to even give him feedback because I don’t want to deal with a male ego.” Instead of really being honest and being true, they withhold and the guy is clueless. The next woman comes along and has the same experience. I get a lot of flak from women who say, “I don’t want to deal with a man’s ego.”“Why?” “I’m tired of educating.” I’m like, “I’m sorry. It’s the only way men would really learn.” They can learn from other men the basics, but to find nuances have to come from a woman.

This brings it back to the conversation of being met. I find that both sexes, in some ways, got the raw end of the stick. For women, there’s been a raw end of the stick around how we’ve been treated in relation to men. To an extent, there’s a residual entitlement that modern day women are carrying around how men are supposed to show up in relation to them. A lot of women don’t necessarily hold the same expectation, which is why there are a lot of women who don’t have a satisfying sex lives and relationship lives. This idea of being willing to lean in and meet our partner in the places where it’s not good enough, as opposed to just putting it all on the other person’s side, which goes for both sex, is important.

A guy’s responsibility is just don’t be whiny. To use Ken Blackman’s term, be trainable, be willing to learn how to be a fighter pilot. Go through the outrageous challenges of learning how to hit a fast ball. Do your scales if you want to learn how to play a piano. Don’t get whiny and don’t get mad at a woman for telling you the truth. That is the greatest way for a woman to disconnect from you and continue to lie to you. If a man can show up and be like, “That was really challenging to hear. My ego was burning at the moment. I am so grateful that you did that,” that is the greatest gift you can give to a woman because one, you’re validating her. Two, you’re saying, “I am willing to go through my uncomfortable viewpoints and my ego structure because I am so into being with you that I’m willing to traverse the minefields of my own ego.” Then all of a sudden you have a gain. It’s so strange to me that people who were not offering to each other gains to get better. We’re just like, “Whatever. Swipe left, swipe right. Get in back in the game. Why bother? This guy’s not going to do it anyway, etc.”

To me, it makes perfect sense because we’re all avoiding having to reconnect with the places where we’ve experienced wounding in the past. A lot of the reason people tend to bail from relationship before it’s truly run its course, and by run its course meaning both people are very clear that whatever is meant to be receive. It’s just that resonant step to end the relationship. I find that people tend to leave early because there’s an issue that they keep touching upon that is pointing to a core wounding, a core-limiting belief, or a core fear around connecting to our power where we felt disempowered in the past. For example, with one of my main partners, it’s taken a lot of courage for me in the face of him not being as sensitive as I desire. I’ve broken up with him so many times because I’ve been unwilling to set a boundary that he didn’t know that I wanted to set. I was so afraid of setting the boundary and being rejected that it was easier to just break up with him. While you’re saying it’s a man’s job to not be whiny, it’s our job as women who are learning to reconnect with our intuition to trust our emotional experience, which our modern day culture has done a very good job in validating. When we feel a certain way but a man across from us is not seeing it, it’s usually just because women tend to feel more deeply than men in some capacities.

Men are not trained to see it?

It’s easy to invalidate our experience. How do we start attracting men into our life who can truly meet us? We start practicing with the men that are currently in our lives.

If worse comes to worst, you should learn how to train a manor you should learn how to speak your desire, which is no small feat either.

That’s not a worse comes to worst, that’s an essential.

The worst thing to happen is to learn how to speak your desire, so when you do meet a receptive man, you can talk about it. When you’re engaged in oral sex and the man is going down on you, do you feel free to speak your mind and offer adjustments? How do you create that with a guy?It’s a process. I’ve done a lot of the work to the extent where the man that I tend to attract into my life have a sensitivity. The biggest transition for myself has become being way less preoccupied with what the man’s experience is and becoming way more preoccupied with how much turn on I’m experiencing in my own body. If I’m lying down and I’m receiving, rather than thinking, “Am I doing it right? This isn’t feeling exactly how I want to feel it,” instead I’ll just try to feel as deeply as possible whatever sensation is currently present. What I’m noticing is the more that I am in my body and more responding to the touch versus just lying there flaccid, the more co-arousal and co-turn on occurs. I’m trusting my arousal. I’m trusting my conduit of turn on and just being willing to speak it.

That’s a great analogy on some level. Be happy with what you have, and then once you’re happy with what you have, then you can have more.

If everyone could take this simple piece of advice, the world will be a very different place. Most of us are walking around from the neck up, meaning we’re embodying our neck up because either we don’t like the way our body looks, we don’t like the way our body feels, we don’t feel we’re good enough, successful enough to be in our body, so we want to avoid being down here. It’s nearly impossible to experience true pleasure if we’re not in here. If I’m a woman and I’m lying down and I’m finding myself checking out of my experience, rather than thinking about what’s going on in my head, instead I’m just going to become really curious about what’s going on my clits. I’m not even like, “Is this the maximum amount of pleasure can I receive?”I just, “What does the feel like? What’s going on down there right now?”

That’s the locus of your attention. If your attention is on what’s wrong or how does this look, or how do I look, or how I smell, or what’s he thinking, your attention is above your head. It’s like meditating. When your breathing and you put your attention on your breath, your attention goes to your breath and not to your head. Your monkey mind stops for a second and a half or two seconds or five seconds. You do the same thing in sexuality, if you put your attention to the point of pleasure, then all of a sudden you actually take this great, big cortexian thing and somehow it will turn it off a little bit so you can feel more.

It’s one of the best forms of meditation because it’s intrinsically pleasurable. Shall we move into some tips?

Yes. Do you want to give your tips or do you want me to go first?

I’m giving tips for how to go down on a woman. It’s interesting because I know what feels best as a woman.

I can’t really give many tips for going down on a guy because I haven’t had experience enough, but I’m very happy to hear your tips on going down on a woman.

I really appreciate a lot of indirect stimulation before a man goes directly to my clit. That’s one of the most common mistakes.

Are you giving tips on the receiver or are you giving tips on you going down on a woman?

No, I’m not giving tips on the going down on a woman. I’ve actually never gone down on a woman before.

Tips for a man going down on you, go.

The biggest tip that I can give is to not go directly for a woman’s clit. There’s this thing that says it takes 30 minutes for a woman’s body to become fully aroused. One of the greatest gifts that you can give a woman is to have her begging for you to just even grace the wetness inside of her pussy. You want her pussy to be soaking wet ideally before you touch your tongue to her clits. The more aroused she is beforehand, the more sensitive to touch she is going to be. The biggest piece of advice that I could give a man is take your time. Kiss her thighs. Kiss the outside of her lips. Tease the fuck out of her.

Clits are over-sensitized. If you spent too much time paying attention to a clit with your tongue or with your lips or even with your fingers, it can get over stimulated. You want to be able to take time and to make sure that it’s not over stimulated. That happens to a lot of women because the guy is not aware that too much can be too much.

I’m actually a fan of a man just, whether it’s his finger or his tongue, resting his tongue on my clit without actually moving at all. That can be a really potent way to sync up that when you do move it’s entirely different experience.

My secret tip for going down on a woman is the use of fingers in addition to the tongue or the mouth. I’m a big fan of the G spot stimulation in concert with the touching and licking of the clit and other areas of a woman’s genitals. With fingers, there are always different spots inside the vagina that you can touch. It’s not hard, it’s actually quite soft in the beginning. You can actually create a whole concert of sound, a whole concert of feeling, by using fingers and lips and tongues. For a person to go down on a man, things to stay away from is beat the balls. They are very sensitive. If you’re going to touch the balls, be very deliberate about it because every man has this inner ten-year-old that’s very sensitive around his genitals. If you don’t handle them softly, they can loss sensation. If they’re handled well, you actually can create a lot of sensation. The guy will squirm around a little bit but it’s good stuff. Also, the hands on the shaft while in concert with mouth on cock is super pleasurable. Just to use your hands along with your mouth can create a lot of sensation for a guy.

I actually have one lover who loves a very firm grip. I’ve never experienced this before, but I’m not sure for every men.

You can train yourself around that. There’s a lot of play in terms of putting pressure and pulling around the ball sack. If you’re not sure, be careful people.

I actually love spitting my saliva into the palm of my hand because it’s really amazing lubricant. One of my favorite things to do is to do that, stroking a man’s cock with my saliva as lubricant, and seeing what’s going on for him as I’m doing it. I’m a fan of the tongue swirl around the head of the cock as you’re stroking the shaft, so you have a spiraling motion going on while you’re stroking. Also, not running the risk of creating too much stimulation on the head of the cock, because I have been told that it can get to be sensory overload.

These are the kind of conversations I should have had in high school. Demystifying, it was such a mess. It’s different these days with YouTube, kids get to hear so much.

Next week is on clarities. It’s week number six, end of season one. If you want more shows, you can go to TuffLove.Live. Thanks so much.

Thank you so much for joining Tuff Love. Thank you, Arielle, for an incredible conversation. As always, another in-depth look at something that most people don’t feel comfortable talking about. I love how deep we always go in these conversations. Thank you. For more shows, please visit TuffLove.Live. If you feel so inclined, it’s super helpful if you’d make a comment, leave us review, give us some stars on iTunes or Stitcher or whatever your podcast app. Help us spread the word, so take a second and give Kandell Consulting and Tuff Love a nice five-star. Thank you so much. Go forth. I love you. Take care.

Resources mentioned:

About Arielle Brown

TL 112 | Demystifying Oral SexArielle is a Relationship Expert & Intimacy Educator. She specializes in helping people to create deeper connection and intimacy their relationships and greater community. In her private coaching work with singles and couples, she helps people create or revitalize relationships that are authentic to the needs, values and desires of each person. Her group facilitation and workshops focus on cultivating deeper levels of intimacy with others through conscious communication, energetic attunement and sensory awareness of the body. Learn more at


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