Welcome to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. The guest today is Kat from Afterlife Coach. She’s here to talk about the concept of your shadow, your darkness and the importance of loving it to be able to love others. To love the other you must love all parts of yourself and that includes the parts you don’t quite agree with and the skeletons in the corner.
In this episode, Kat and Rob discuss:
- Kat’s story going from a stressed out, bipolar Disney executive to an apprentice shaman to afterlife coach and messenger
- Her experiences with the psychotropic South American plant brew Ayahuasca and how the medicine helped her learn to love the parts of herself that are her shadow
- Why lack of self-worth had her believing a white girl from Montanna couldn’t be a shaman
- That shadow is just that part of us that is unconscious, and it’s also the space where the things that we don’t love about ourselves dwell. Anytime we react from anger, we’re coming from shadow. It’s essentially darkness.
- We are taught in our culture for the most part to push shadow away and assume all of that is bad, that we’d rather not feel any of that and rather not even acknowledge we have that.
- Why Kat believes there’s a Mother Theresa and a Hitler in all of us, and that the more we refuse to look at the Hitler, the more it has ownership and power over us.
- How Kat helps educate people and shows them how to make friends with that shadow part of themselves by looking at the results and resistance in their life.
- Any space of resistance creates more conflict with that energy which gives it power. If we have resistance to our anger and we push it down, it’s going to show up in our lives somewhere, whether it’s in our job, our relationship with ourselves or others. Somewhere, if not everywhere, in our lives, that resistance to shadow is going to be causing conflict, not creating the life that we want.
- With anger, most of us do one of two things with that shadow energy. We either stuff it down and resist it, or we vent and blow up. Those are two sides of the same coin. Venting is not an honest feeling of it. It’s blaming somebody else, it’s defensiveness, it’s victim consciousness, it’s actually more shadow energy.
- Instead, you flip that venting process, receive the anger, feel it and express it. That doesn’t come across as defensive or accusatory. You say ‘I feel angry, I’m feeling this’ and you open yourself up to the opportunity to feel and process it, and then it doesn’t get stuck. It’s allowed to move.
- Emotions are energy in motion. If we’re doing it in a conscious way then we can take those shadow things that we feel are our flaws and make them part of the toolkit of the things that make us really strong.
- What happened to Kat in her 2nd ceremony that was unusual, but was necessary to experience in order for her to change her life and heal.
- When you’re on an airplane, they say in the event of a cabin crash, put on your own mask before helping others. Even though it feels selfish it’s actually the best thing that we can do for humanity.
- The reason Kat needed to learn from experience rather than having people tell her that she needed to change
- Kat’s perspective on the Westernization of Ayahuasca, why she is loyal to the tradition and why she believes our culture is in a dark night of the soul
- You won’t do the medicine until the medicine calls you. Rob is a strong believer in that. Kat believes the medicine knows what it’s doing, it’s the medicine’s business.
- The process is either through inflation or contraction. We learn our lessons from stepping into ego. While Kat is choosy in advising people where to sit, she recognizes that there are people who are in their own ego and she tries not to judge that.
- Why Kat decided to stop taking the medicine and how the new call was the toughest surrender yet
- In any modality, the Universe is always working with our attachments. If we’re clinging to a space of identity, it will have to be dealt with eventually. That which we resist, persists.
Next, Kat and Rob coach Jai, a massage therapist who has recently been struggling with the realization that facets of his giving nature have been detrimental to his mental and emotional health:
- Jai has noticed that even when he consciously tries to take care of himself and pull back, he’ll agree to things for other people and then feel drained afterwards.
- Kat suggests setting boundaries by saying ‘not yet’ instead of no. It’s less harsh so it’s an easier first step.
- Jai has fears around setting boundaries because for so long his identity has been the helper. He is fearful of the perception that he isn’t helpful if he were to say no, or even not yet.
- Rob explores this further with Jai to discover that he does have boundaries, he does have a ‘no’ inside of him that he can build on.
- The exploration is finding where those boundaries are and being willing to stretch them. You know in your body when somebody asks something of you and it doesn’t feel right to say yes. Pause and listen to that.
- Rob shares that his old people pleaser would say yes a lot when he meant no because he wanted to be liked by the person making the request. Now, his own personal boundaries are more important than being liked.
- Jai likes being of service to people, but doesn’t know how to navigate that in a healthy way because his initial reaction is always to say yes. When he does do things entirely for himself, he often spends the time thinking about what he ‘should’ be doing instead.
- He doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants. There are examples in his life where he asked in a weak way and so go a weak response. He also has a lot of tangible examples in his life of when he gives people what they want instead of listening to what he himself wants, it doesn’t feel good.
- Rob likens it to a woman faking an orgasm. You think it’s a service but it’s actually a falsehood, a manipulation. Jai says he fakes it a lot.
- Rob suggests the book No More Mister Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
- Men have been taught to push down who they are to be nice, but underneath that nice there’s an extensive amount of anger. That sickness and exhaustion Jai feels is him not in touch with his anger which is underneath his nice guy.
- The antidote to the manipulation and lack of truth and lack of being able to be himself around people, is to tell the truth. Do it and see what happens. The relationships you think can crumble in your truth can in fact strengthen.
- Play with the difference between venting your anger and expressing it.
Kat works one-on-one with people who are either dealing with the medicing or other psychedelic spaces, or the altered spaces that life throws at you. She also works in the darkness, in the shadow and with people transitioning, or people in relationship with people in the moment of death. Follow her at