Welcome back to Tuff Love with your host, Rob Kandell. The topic today is around the concept of truth moment. Rob’s basic viewpoint is that we’re all a bunch of liars. The effect of that is that intimacy and connection decreases greatly because we’re not telling the truth. When we lie we present a part of ourselves that isn’t true. If we lie and someone accepts it, then they start to judge who we are, based on our lies, and then we know they’re judging us on the façade we’ve created, which means we trust them less.
It’s about telling the truth and creating relationships and connections where your partner can receive the truth. Most people want to tell the truth, but the other person does a really shitty job of receiving it and punishes us for telling the truth. We’re in fear of repercussions from our partners for telling the truth, and we live in façade, people don’t connect and we live in a world where people don’t tell the truth.
The concept of the truth moment is a new game. It’s a take off of a few other games Rob’s learned in his life. The goal is to create a circumstance so you can tell the truth more, and this is a game Rob created to help with that.
Here are Rob’s thoughts on the power of truth:
- Everyone, from CEOs to coaches to people on the street, has a problem telling the truth. The effect is enormous in all aspects of your life. Your ability to really connect and learn how to tell the truth can enhance your business, your personal relationships and all aspects of your life.
- People lie for two distinct reasons. Firstly, we want to look good. Secondly, we want to avoid punishment. These are the two main goals of lying and we’ve all done it hundreds and thousands of times. They can be tiny little lies, or really big lies.
- Most of us are in this mindless, unconscious lying where we do it without thinking. It’s second nature and is so ingrained in our personalities that we don’t even think about how much we lie.
- Take a moment to figure out what’s underneath your lying, what are your motivations. What are you protecting? Odds are it’s something very tender and sweet.
Morgan and Rob came up with this truth moment game after taking a trip, which had Rob decide to tell a woman that he had a Facebook crush on her. He sent her a message, she was very grateful and they built a friendship. He lit someone up who doesn’t feel attractive and who felt grateful, and Rob felt so good and energized. He was telling Morgan about the feeling he got from the raw, intense truth and that’s where the concept of truth moment came from. It’s also kind of based on a concept that Moore University came up with, called withholds, which Rob learned in the beginning of his career. It’s also called intimacies. It’s revealing a truth.
The format for the truth moment game:
- The first important thing is that you must have agreement on this format or the game before you play it. Explain it to the person, ask them if they want to play, and let them say yes or no. Do not play Truth Moment without agreement that both of you are playing in the game.
- Explain the game and get agreement. Make a time limit for the extent of the game. Are you playing for an hour, a day, a week, a month, a lifetime?
- When one person has a truth that they want to say, they go to the other person by text, phone or in person and say, ‘Truth moment?’ Rob thinks face to face is the best but we’re in the real world with technology. Send the query, ‘truth moment?’ and then they say yes or no.
- If they say no, that might be very important. If you’re receiving the query, you might be in a time and place where you can’t receive the truth moment at that point. No is a perfectly acceptable answer when the other player in the game says, ‘truth moment?’ Know that that’s a probability.
- If they say yes, as quickly as possible, delivery the truth moment. That might mean writing the text down first, before you ask. The time in between truth moment and delivery will be an anxious time for the person receiving it, so be kind and as quick as possible.
- The person receiving it just says, ‘thank you’. And then the clock starts. The person receiving it can not respond to the truth moment for a minimum of 30 minutes. This is not a game of tennis, it’s not a back and forth. This is a delivery of truth, reception of truth and then a time to think about it. In that time, really ponder.
- The missing piece often in truthful moments is that one person delivers the truth, the other person rises up to protect something and in doing so fights back. You’re fighting the messenger and not even listening to the truth and you miss the beauty. That also creates unsafety, which goes back to not being able to tell the truth to your partner.
The format in short is as follows:
- Explain the game and get agreement.
- Set a time limit for the truth moment game.
- When one person has something to say, ask ‘truth moment?’ via text, in person or over the phone.
- The person says yes or no.
- If they say yes, deliver the truth moment as quickly and efficiently and specifically as possible.
- The person says thank you.
- There’s 30 minutes minimum of digestion time.
Rob and a range of attendees on Zoom come on the line and play truth moment together. It begins with Morgan and Rob demonstrating the game, and breaking it down a little.
- Morgan gives a truth moment to Rob. She would love if he would wash his hands when he comes in the house, before doing anything else.
- Rob wonders why Morgan needed the truth moment to say that to him. She didn’t want him to feel nagged, or offend him.
- This is a simple little thing, but it’s education for Rob about what’s important to Morgan. That’s what relationships are about. These are the simple things that for some reason we don’t tell the truth about. It’s the little things that actually affect relationship. It’s strange and these little things stop you from having the intimacy that you want.
- For the listeners, Rob suggests thinking about the little things in your relationship that stop you from having what you want.
- Ben gives a truth moment about a moment in a coaching session recently where he didn’t give a truth that he wanted to give. He was afraid he was wrong and didn’t want to stop on something the client cared about.
- Rob says you can tell the truth to anyone about anything if you add your approval, your intention and you set your words up to be connective rather than dis-connective.
- People want the truth, they’re dying for the truth and nobody says it. A coach’s job is to tell the truth as they see it.
- Elvis and Jo share their truth moments around their daughter. Elvis’s fear is that he doesn’t want to be a constantly nagging parent.
- Rob shout outs to parents, and to Elvis, for surviving the mayhem of parenting, as he’s just learning to co-parent. Rob’s therapist said to him that kids are narcissistic, and it’s healthy for them to be self-involved. You have to set boundaries with them and hold them stronger, which it sounds like Elvis is doing.
- Jo resonates with the idea of kids being narcissistic, and realizes that’s why she gets triggered. It’s about boundaries for Jo.
- Rob says move closer to the kids when they’re acting out. As adults, when someone’s whining we tend to move away. But when a kid is acting out, it’s a cry for attention, so move closer to them. The same goes for your partner too. Don’t go away, go towards them, find out what they need right now.
- Andrew has had a lot of truth moments with his partner but they don’t turn out too well because they didn’t include the 30 minutes processing time, so it led to conflict. He likes the game, it’s an interesting way of allowing the truth and allowing a healthy amount of time to say things from your center and higher self versus reaction and defense.
- Steve has been doing something similar called Revelations, where he states the action of the person and the feeling he had from it. The first thing he says is, “I’m responsible for me, and if you don’t want to hear this you need to be responsible for yourself and tell me.” He does set a container for the game and get an agreement for it.
- Rachel’s truth moment is for her Mom. She’s been lying to protect her Mom, but underlying that is protecting herself from feeling like her Mom has any disappointment or shame around it. Rachel has been lying to her and trying to cover it up. It has to do with money, which also adds a whole layer on top of it.
- Rachel loves the idea of the game but still has fear around it. Rob says the fear never goes away.
- JJ is curious about the activities that are more beneficial to do in the 30 minutes after hearing the truth. Rob says it depends on the truth and how deep it is.
- If it’s something really heavy, the best thing you can do is be really honest with your feelings about it inside. Allow what arises when you feel it. The cancer of it comes when you don’t feel your own feelings.
- Rob recommends sitting, meditating, or doing something simple like the dishes. Don’t watch TV or drink. Just sit and allow the feelings inside you.